Timeless
by ssellers
Summary: Neither of them knew that they were made for each other. They thought it was impossible. It wasn't. But, their love was a process. It took time, effort and just a little passion to work out. Discover the laughter, the tears, the shouts, and the adventures of Lily and James. Every breath they took, every word they exchanged, every kiss, every laugh, every moment. Timeless.
1. What About Now?

**_A/N: This isn't my first fan fiction, and it certainly isn't my first one about James and Lily, but this is the first time I've ever written a fan fiction in first person. I plan on doing it from both Lily and James' point of view. Other characters will sometimes have their own chapters, like Sirius or Marlene, but most of the time it's Lily and James. _**

**_Disclaimer: The Harry Potter Universe is entirely JK Rowling's. I do not own anything, except for a couple OC's. This disclaimer applies to every chapter in the future._**

_The sun is breaking in your eyes to start a new day_

_This broken heart can still survive with a touch of your grace_

_Shadows fade into the light I am by your side, where love will find you_

* * *

**Lily**

Uneasy feelings settle in the bottom of my stomach as the train begins to jolt into motion. That kind of feeling that makes you want to throw up a million times. The kind that's caused by something you don't want to let go, even though you have to. This is my last year at Hogwarts. It's my home away from...well, home. Sure, "home" usually describes the house where your parents and yourself reside until you're old enough to have your own place. I'm not old enough to have a flat yet, so I do live with my parents. I'm seventeen, and like many people around me, I have no idea how to let go of a place like Hogwarts.

It's different than my parents house. Hogwarts is where I found myself, where I made my best friends and where I've had most of my fondest memories. In Cornwall, it's a pleasant little cottage that my parents have. We moved there about three years ago, and it's been nothing short of homey. The rocky texture of the walls, the quaint light blue kitchen, and the endless amounts of windows. There's even a fireplace. But, it is also the place where more often than not, I feel alone.

My parents are great, don't get me wrong. I love my Mum and Dad more than anything in the world.

But as nice as my parent's little cottage is, it's also the place where I often get to see my sister, Petunia. She works in the city, but stops by every weekend to tend to our parents. From that sentence right there you must be thinking "What a nice girl". And with our parents, she is the perfect daughter. But with me, she never misses an opportunity to squash my self esteem lower, and lower because I am a witch. And that's why I feel so alone when I'm home. Because I feel like I'm never going to be good enough, and I feel like the outcast. The black sheep. It's the kind of feeling that, once you live with it for so long, it's like a seed in your soul. It's planted, and it grows, and grows. It doesn't go away. When I'm in Cornwall, it seems like it grows at a rapid rate.

At Hogwarts I can be myself. I can walk around in sweatpants and not get judged by my sister's sharp tongue, I can fool around with Marlene McKinnon and Jill Earnest (my best mates), and I can learn more than I ever could at home. I can giggle madly with Ethan Price, my boyfriend. It's everything I want, all bundled up into one spectacular castle. Very seldom do I ever feel lonely there. It's my safe haven.

And after this year it's all going to be over.

To add the cherry on top of the sundae, the biggest war in Wizarding history is occurring right now. And I'm a direct target of it. Because of my blood. How difficult is it to believe that people are born equal, regardless of their religion, upbringing, heritage, or skin color? I would have thought humanity would have learned it's lesson by now. Merlin, we're slow learners. My parents had their doubts with sending me to school, with all the reports in the Prophet (They insisted that they be informed about everything in the Wizarding World-they're fascinated by it). I convinced them otherwise, though, insisting that I could take care of myself. Which I'm not even sure of.

Truthfully, after Hogwarts, there's going to be no safe haven left. I'm going to basically be thrown out into the streets, and expected to fend for myself, or die at the hands of the Death Eaters-or worse-Voldemort himself. I'm sure that I'll freeze on the spot and die. It's like with French in preliminary school. Oral exams went pretty much like this: If I got a twinge of anxiety, BAM. My mind changes to present tense, and easy vocab. The worst part is that I want to learn how to fight. I can't keep this fear inside me any longer. I just hope i don't die before I pluck up this courage.

That's the thing. At this point, Death Eaters could ransack the train at this very moment, take me hostage, torture me for a bit of fun, and get rid of me. It's that easy for them. It's like the Holocaust that happened thirty years ago to the Jewish. These people show no mercy. It's like they enjoy killing people. Bigots make me _sick. _ It's hard believing in the greater good when stuff like this happens. What kind of God would allow this to happen?

I sniff, mustering all the strength I have not to start crying. I focus on the trees that rush past my window. A millisecond goes by and WHOOSH. Forty trees go by. I suddenly feel comfort in the hum of the train chugging down the tracks. I wiggle my bottom a little more comfortably into the old maroon cushions. I take my hair that was thrown over my shoulder and start to play with it as my eyes are set on the gleaming glass. The sun set seems a bit more gorgeous as my heart swells with nostalgia. This is one of my last train rides on the Hogwarts Express.

I stop looking out the window and stare at my best friends, both talking and laughing at the same time. With their wide smiles and jubilant fits of giggles, they surely aren't feeling what I'm feeling. Every other time I've been on this train on September 1st, I've acted just as they have right now. Now I feel as if I had just had something rotten to eat and that I can't even try to converse with my two best mates that I haven't seen for two months. Some friend I am.

I check my silver watch and rise, realizing that the Prefects meeting begins in about five minutes.

"Hey, I have to run to the Prefects meeting," I say, as their attention focuses onto me.

"Hurry back, _Head Girl_," smiled Marlene, her perfect teeth gleaming at me.

I rolled my eyes and crack a smile. Head Girl. Honestly, I was surprised when I got the bulky letter in the post. It's strange how a little change like being promoted to Head Girl can change your life. I haven't even begun and I already feel different. I can already feel the responsibility that's going to be dumped onto my shoulders once I step into that meeting. Of course I haven't even planned anything yet, or even set up the schedules for rounds like I was told by McGonagall. How infuriatingly typical of me.

I procrastinate like mad. I may be a proficient student, but when it comes to actually getting the assignments done It's like I can find anything else interesting. I can find a bloody wall so fascinating that I can spend several minutes just staring at it instead of getting my lazy arse up, and going to my desk to do my homework. I also love to convince myself that there's another, more entertaining thing to be done. An example of this is eating.

Oh, how I love food. It's like friends that you actually buy!

Studying is also not my forte. I don't understand why, but cramming two days before the exam is the Lily Evans way. I find it easier to retain the information, but the loss of sleep sometimes drives me mad. The strange thing is, I see people literally a week before an exam studying in the library! Don't these people have friends? How are they not distracted? How do they go on?! These are questions that, even in my seventh year at school, I cannot answer.

Jill tosses her dark hair over her shoulder to look at me. She pulls out a pack of photos, presumably from her tour across Europe. "Bugger! I was just about to show you guys my photos-"

"I know, and I'll try to run the meeting quickly, but I really should go. I don't want to be late." I interrupt her hurriedly. I already slacked off on the work I was supposed to do for the prefects. I don't want them to sit around in their chairs going like "Some Head Girl we have this year. The year hasn't even begun and she's already screwed up!" That's not going to happen.

They nod at me, and I slip out the door. I look down the narrow aisle to my left and see the trolley lady stopping by a compartment a few doors down. I turn right, anxious to get to the meeting. Can you imagine what they would think-

"UNF!" I say as I go head first into a taller boy's chest. I can feel my cheeks burning already. Brilliant. What a wonderful start to the year. Nice going, Lily! Bump into a perfectly innocent, and (probably) attractive bloke! High bloody five for your intelligence! I fear tilting my head up to apologize, just because I don't want to deal with the embarassment of apologizing for nearly knocking this poor bloke down. I knew I should have just cooped up in my room at home.

"I am so sorry-" I begin to say, before I notice the ruffled black hair. And the glasses. And the unnaturally perfect upper abdomen that I just had to slam into. Just my rotten luck!

James Potter. Wherever in the world can I find the words to even describe this...this...boy? Okay, let's start with the (is this even possible?) pros of him. Let's focus on these pros of his, so I don't yell in his face. This is the time for new beginnings, and new possible friendships (even though Potter and I being mates is pretty much out of the question at the moment) For starters, his leadership skills are top-notch. This bloke is easily one of the most wonderful leaders I've ever met. He's been the captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team for four years, I believe. From what I've heard, his teammates really like him. He's very tough, but thorough. He's kind, but professional and will not hold back from telling you if you're doing something incorrectly. He's also extremely loyal to both his teammates, and his friends.

He also asked me out numerous times to make a fool out of me, pulls pranks on innocent people, struts around the school with the absurd notion that he's a god, and is practically more confusing than Ancient Runes.

He also happens to be Head Boy.

I don't want to talk about it.

"Evans," he says, a bit out of breath and startled. He attempts his best smirk, and adds, "It's nice to see you."

"Thanks," I reply coldly. He winces, his eyes losing their confidence. I kind of feel bad, now. I mean, he just told me that it was nice to see me, it wasn't like he was talking about anything else that wasn't purely conversational. I give him a small smile, just so we don't start out this year on a horrible foot. "Er, I was just heading over to the Prefects compartment-"

"That's why I was looking for you," says James, rubbing the back of his neck a bit nervously. "I thought you had forgotten, or something. So I just...yeah."

I really don't know what to think of this. James Potter acting nervous?

Just when I thought he was over the capacity with being strange.

"Oh, well...thank you?" I reply awkwardly.

He grins widely at me. "Walk with me there?"

I return his grin with a soft smile. "Sure."

We walk in an uncomfortable silence for a couple of minutes, before we both open our mouths to speak and then awkwardly close them when we notice the other person trying to speak. t's easier being cross with him that awkward. I feel like I want to crawl under a rock.

"Was your summer enjoyable?" he asks, finally.

I shrug. "I suppose. Yours?"

He shrugs like I did, mimics my "I suppose", and laughs. I roll my eyes.

James stares at me for a bit, his gaze so intense that I could feel them on me. He suddenly grins and says, "You look good, Evans. Summer does you well."

I blush uncontrollably and reply, "That's kind of you, Potter." He raises his eyebrows, as if expecting something more from me. I scan him up and down. Huh. Not bad. "Honestly though, you look very much the same to me."

He laughs warmly, gently nudging me with his shoulder. Whenever people nudge me they tend to forget that I'm rather small in height. He basically nudged my head. We have a comfortable silence before asking, "Tell me, did you have a bloke this summer?"

I raise my eyebrows. "No." He grins wider. "You know, I don't understand why I told you that."

"I'm irrisistable." He admits, improving his posture noticable as he shoves his hands in his pockets. "Even you can't help it!"

I scoff. "You're arrogant." He shrugs, as if he's proud of it. "Merlin, you really didn't change at all, did you?"

We stop outside of the door. He tries to hold his head high, his face turning solemn before taking a deep breath. "Look, Lily-"

I quickly interrupt him."Don't call me that. It's weird."

To prevent from entering into another really awkward conversation, I throw open the door and head inside. I look around to see a couple new faces in the compartment, now that last year's seventh years are gone. There's one girl with curly black hair sitting nervously, her foot tapping on the floor as everyone else talks to each other casually. Classic newbie. I walk to the center of the room, and the conversation fades away as James enters as well. He joins me at the center of the room. I wonder if he actually planned anything for this.

I clap my hands together and put on a smile. "Hello, everyone!"

They all murmur a hello my way. I meet eyes with Remus, and my smile stretches wider. Remus is one of Potter's friends that I can tolerate. More than tolerate, actually. He is one of my best friends. We often study together in the library, or take a walk to clear our heads or something. He's easy to talk to, even if he is best mates with Potter.

"I'm Lily Evans, and I'm going to be your Head Girl."

James steps in, waving at the small crowd. "And I'm James Potter. Yes, I am actually Head Boy. I know what you must be thinking: Dumbledore is off his bloody rocker. And I agree with you! How I actually got this job, I don't know. I just want to assure you that I'll do my very best at it, though. _Ladies_,"He winks at a Ravenclaw prefect, who turns beet red and giggles to a Hufflepuff next to her.

"What he's trying to say," I say through gritted teeth, glaring at him. Who does he think he is? I didn't tell them my life story! They don't give a bleeding hoot! And do you see me bloody winking at people? This isn't about him, it's about being at the highest position our school can offer, and we have to remind the prefects of what their job is. It's really a simple concept that Potter seriously does not understand. "Is that we are going to try to make your positions as simple for you as possible this year as Prefects. We want to remind you that your job right now is something that some students here would die for,"

James snorted, his arms casually crossed as he lounged against the wall behind me. "_Dying _for a Prefects job?_ Please_."

"I am being sincere, thank you," I say with my most controlled voice. I open my mouth to continue, but can't help sneaking in, "Potter, I'd appreciate it if I don't receive comments from the peanut gallery right now. Anyway, so our job is to-"

"There are two parts to the Head's job. Yours, and mine." He cuts across me curtly. "Evans, I get a say, too. I'm trying to make this easier for them so they don't wet their trousers with anxiety."

"You're just adding ignorant comments about anything I say!" I snap, whipping towards him, my temper snapping. Great. "And this is a really important job for this school! They need to understand their responsibility!"

"I think McGonagall explained that pretty clearly in our letters! I thought we were supposed to make this easier for them." he replies, clearly vexed as he steps toward me.

My blood is boiling right now. They need to know their responsibilities, and their importance to our school! Is it a bloody problem that I'm restating what McGonagall said in simpler terms? Is it a crime that I want my Prefects to understand what their job is all about?

"This job IS NO JOKE, POTTER!" I cry, inches from his face. "IF YOU'RE GOING TO ACT LIKE IT IS, LEAVE!"

"I'm not going anywhere." He says irritably. "I'd appreciate it if you refrained from shouting at me, by the way. It doesn't suit you." That's just rude."And I never said that it wasn't an imperative job in our school. I'm just saying that I'm sure they're all well aware that it's an honor to be a prefect and all that shite. They need to understand what to do in order to fulfill their duties."

I am going to scream. I could rip him in half right now. My fingernails dig into my palms, and it surprises me that it doesn't draw blood. At first, I thought, just maybe, that Potter and I would be alright this year. We could work together peacefully, and productively. Dear Merlin, was I bloody wrong. I'm certain that it's always going to be like this between us. Barely able to talk like two normal people.

"This meeting is about introducing them to what being a Prefect means!"

"THEY AREN'T IDIOTS, EVANS! THEY GOT THE BADGE FOR A REASON, YOU KNOW!"

"THAT'S NOT THE POINT!"

He throws his hands up into the air in frustration. "YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE!"

I almost laugh. "_I'M _IMPOSSIBLE? What about you?! You think you're so great, don't you? Just because you managed to snag that badge, you ride on your high horse like you memorized the Encyclopedia! Typical Potter. Unreasonable, concieted, lazy-"

Potter's rage is apparent now, his face growing an angry red. "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME!"

"I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT, THEN! IF YOU'RE NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS THEN I DON'T KNOW WHO THE BLOODY HELL YOU ARE!"

"And that's your fault, isn't it? You won't even TRY!" he shoots back in a heartbeat.

For some reason, that's what brings me back to Earth. As my eyes burn into Potters, I realize that there are about ten boys and girls sitting around us. I break my gaze with Potter to see that they're all staring at us, most of their mouths open. Their eyes are as round as golfballs. The one exception is Remus, who's massaging his forehead.

Well, so much for a good impression.

James takes my hand (THE NERVE THIS BOY HAS!) and quickly says, "Excuse us for a moment," Before dragging me out the door.

"What?" I ask him coldly. "Come out here to embarrass me even more? You make me sick-"

"Evans," He says, his voice tight. He pauses, and looks around. He rubs the back of his neck again. "We can't do this anymore."

I chortle in his face. "Potter, there is no '_we_'.There never was a '_we_'. '_We_' aren't anything!"

"Come on, you know what I'm talking about." He says crossly, putting his hand through his hair. "We are going to be the worst Heads this school has ever seen if we keep arguing."

"We would never have argued in the first place if you didn't make me sound like a fool." I reply, my jaw tightening. "You have no idea how hard I've pushed myself to get to this position, and you just WALTZ in, like you do with everything else! You didn't even try!"

"You honestly think I asked for this?" says James, pointing at himself. "You really think that I'd want the stupid Head Boy position? You're the daftest witch I've ever met!"

"How sweet." I snarl. "Why don't you just hand your badge in then? It'd sure as hell save me a lot of wasted time trying to work with you!"

"You do know that I have parents that expect shite from me." he snaps angrily. "Do you have any idea how excited my Mum was when I told her I got Head Boy? No one expects this from a bloke like me. How could you expect me to just 'hand in my badge' just because I don't want the job? Do you think I live to please you?"

I don't reply, too confused to speak.

"You know, I should have expected this." he said, shaking his head. "I should have known that you would never even try to be friends with me. That you can't take a bloody joke. I wasn't trying to ruin the meeting, Evans. I was trying to help. But then you went all-all-YOU on me."

I stare at him like a gaping fish. What was I supposed to say?

"Look, you can do the introduction however you want. I'll do my job this year as quickly and silently as possible." he said, his voice defeated and tired.

And he left.

* * *

After our massive row in front of the poor prefects, I finished up the welcome speech alone. It felt strange, speaking to these ten people who had just witnessed another Potter and Evans brawl. I wonder if Hogwarts is used to it by now. I wonder if they just sigh and say, "Here they go again." Potter and I weren't always this way, or so I like to convince myself. In our first two years at Hogwarts, he was alright. A boy who seemed to go looking for trouble, but still a good kid. He was always kind to me, even with my buck teeth and my impossible hair. But in third year...something changed between us. I don't know if it was him, or me, but that was when he started to attempt to make a fool out of me. He played silly pranks on me, like warping my potion to blow up in my face after a bathroom break, or pinning me in the corridors, asking to snog me. Fifth year was the worst. Day in and day out, it was always, "Evans, go out with me?" "Give a bloke a chance, will you?" "I'll give you the best night of your life!" or, my least favorite, "Just shag me already, Evans, we all know you're dying to!" Sixth year was when he finally cooled down, thank the bloody maker. He would only ask me out every once in a while. But, sixth year was also when we got in the rows that I never imagined. Small things would always irk me about him, and a little thing that I did would send him on a rage. We fought like an (dare I say it?) old married couple. Some professors switched our classes so we wouldn't be together; they couldn't even handle it.

I really don't want this year to be the same, but It doesn't look like we have much of a choice.

I'm going to try not to think about Potter, at the moment. I'm sure that if I do, I will probably end up throwing something.

Anyhow, the prefects seemed less than enthusiastic about my little speech, but a couple were pretty nervous about it. I tried my hardest to assure them that rounds weren't difficult and only took up about four hours of their lives per week, despite their groans. The girls, especially, were frowning at me. I suspect they were cross that James had left, but I didn't mind. Girls are the one thing in this school that I've learned how to take care of. They're conniving, cruel, rude, and are willing to do anything to snatch a bloke. Which is why I don't like to surround myself with many girls. I kill them with kindness, respectively. If they have a problem with me, fine. I really don't give a rat's arse. I made friends with people who I knew were true, and were willing to not be petty and ignorant.

In second year, I met Jill, and my friendship triangle was complete. Marlene and I were together in first year. We met when I walked into the dormitory, looking petrified that I wasn't going to fit in. She insisted that I bunk beside her, and from that point on, we were friends. Jill was in a different first year dormitory in first year, so in second year, when she was placed with us, I wanted to be friends with her. She was absolutely gorgeous, even at twelve years old. I'm not saying Marlene isn't a catch, but Jill is over the top beautiful. Admittedly, I am a bit envious of her. She had already had her first boyfriend (Sirius Black-those were dark times), when I hadn't had as much as a peck from a bloke in my life. It helps that she is extremely nice, and very easy going. Marlene is pretty much the opposite. She is blunt as could be, and takes risks that I would never dream of. She is also the kind of person who is hilarious without trying. She doesn't even crack jokes, and she can extract a laugh from my mouth.

When I got back to my own compartment, they already knew something went terribly wrong.

_"What did he do?" asked Marlene immediately as I close the compartment door, a frown on her face. "I swear, if he so much as screamed at you, Quidditch this year is going to be one tough son of a bitch for him."_

_"I hate to say this, but he's the captain, Marlene." I said, sitting down next to Jill. "You're just the co-captain."_

_Jill laughed. "Just because Potter's captain doesn't mean he's any different from any other boy. Marlene can surely whip him into shape."_

_"I'll do more than whip him into shape." muttered Marlene, crossing her arms. "Anyway, Lils, spill."_

_I told them everything. How we were alright at first, and how everything got shot to hell the minute he said my name outside of the compartment. How he didn't want to give up the badge because of his family, and how he just left me there._

_The trolley lady appeared outside our compartment window, and Marlene shot up._

_As she grabbed a galleon or two and headed out for a moment, Jill frowned. "No offense, that row was absolutely pathetic. Not surprised, though. Your arguments tend to be about the barmiest things, and then both of you get cross at each other for no reason. Then, when you apologize and the world is at peace, three minutes later "_

_"What? No, they're not!"_

_She laughed out loud. "Come on, Lil! You fought about what to say to the bloody prefects! No offense, I don't think they really care about what you say to them in there. They just want their rounds schedule, and they want to pretty much leave after a short pep talk. I mean, that's what I'd want if I was a prefect." She scoffed at the thought._

_"So you're agreeing with Potter?" I said forwardly, my eyebrows coming together._

_She shrugged. "I'm not taking sides. I'm just telling you what's what. You and Potter just don't work well together. It's like you are at each other's throats whenever you can be."_

And that's what brings us to now. How could Jill think that? Of course I don't want to despise Potter. That's a horrible thing to say! It's just like...like he wants me to hate him! With all of his antics and pranks and foul sense of humor all mixed together, I can't help but get a bit heated. And we had to work well together, or else we would be the worst Heads in the history of Hogwarts.

Ugh. I need a shot firewhiskey. Stat.

"But I don't want to hate him!" I protest.

Marlene enters again, a chocolate frog in her mouth. She takes a bite and raises an eyebrow at me. "That's news."

"You think I actually want to hate him?" I cry. Unbelievable. My own bloody mates don't believe that. They exchange confused looks.

"That's the impression that we've been getting for six years." says Marlene slowly, tying her shoulder length, honey colored locks up into a messy bun.

I wave my hands. "Can we just stop talking about this?"

We're minutes away from Hogwarts about two hours afterward. It's amazing what can happen in two hours. Marlene nearly loses it when her chocolate frog is bouncing about the compartment, practically impossible to get a hold of. A string of swears erupted from her mouth on several occasions in her quest for the frog, as Jill and I rolled around the floor laughing. Afterward, when Marlene gave up and let the frog fly out the window, Jill showed me her photos of her road trip around Europe with some of her muggle friends. Then, Ethan came to catch up with me (which was very nice, might I add), and made me bubbly and giggly and not worried at all about everything that happened with Potter. We then went to change into our robes, and bumped into (just my luck) Sirius and James.

_"Evans." nodded Sirius, a polite smile on his face as he greeted my two friends beside me._

_James says hello to Marlene and Jill, but he looks over me as if I'm invisible to him._

_I tried to look at him in the eyes, but he refused to make eye contact with me. Brilliant. I open my mouth to say something to him, but Sirius interrupted me._

_"Don't try it." he warned. "Prongs is in a funk. Not sure why,"He gave me a stare that said, 'I know exactly why.' before continuing, "but I'd suggest that you'd just let us pass so he doesn't rip your head off."_

_"I think Lily has something she'd like to say to James, though." said Jill, pushing me forward. Damn her and her conscience._

_"Er-" I said. James finally looked down at me, his expression unreadable. "The row we had was uncalled for, and I'd like to make sure that it doesn't...er...happen again. For the benefit of our jobs."_

_That was the lamest attempt at an apology I've ever done in my life. Bravo, Lily. _

_He huffed, adjusted his glasses, and said, "If she doesn't want to say sorry like a normal person, I'd like to be going."_

_Sirius tisked. "Evans, this is what I'm talking about."_

_"Shut up, Sirius." snapped Marlene. Sirius stepped back a bit._

_You know, I don't have to do this. I don't know why I even stopped to talk to these two idiots in the first place. I don't know why I'm actually considering apologizing, when it was clearly not my fault. But, I felt that if I passed them and didn't say anything, that I would regret it. It took all the effort in the world to whisper, "Potter, I'm sorry."_

_"What? Did you hear something, Padfoot?" He asked his best friend, a look of triumph on his face._

_"No, I don't think I did, Prongs." grinned Sirius, playing along._

_"I'm sorry." I said a little louder._

_"Oh! There's the little murmur again!" said Potter, ruffling his hair. "I really wish I could hear what it was saying."_

_"I'm there with you, mate." said Sirius, leaning against the corridor wall, acting innocent._

_"I'M SORRY, ALRIGHT?" I cried, anger boiling up again._

_"Thank Merlin! You finally said something." said James with a laugh. I hate how he's enjoying this. Sirius roared with laughter. Jill shook her head, frowning._

_Fucking pricks._

_"You're a little shite, you know that?" growled Marlene as she passed them, following Jill and I as we stormed down the hall._

_" McKinnon, that hurts me." teased Potter easily, slapping his hand over his heart like he'd been shot._

_As I walked away, I realized that I'm a bit jealous of their relationship. Since they've been playing Quidditch together for so long, they're practically brother and sister. Marlene always got along easier with the blokes. Her and Potter were like two peas in a pod, when it came to Quidditch. It was like they could read each others minds as they went about each play on the pitch. She never really minded his antics, always making the excuse that he was just a boy. That 'that's just how they are'._

_Marlene laughed and pushed him on the shoulder. "See you at practice, Potter."_

_"See you," he replied casually as both groups walked seperate ways._

I walk out of the changing room, still confused by everything that just occurred. I chew my lip nervously, waiting for Jill and Marlene to come out from the gold curtains. Sometimes I want to curse my ever racing mind. I just never stop. From the moment I wake up to the moment I hit the sack, I'm always thinking. About everything. I overanalyze, and I stress over little things. I play with the simple silver bracelet that I have around my left wrist with anxiety.

I look around. Everyone else seems to be changed. Why must we always be late?!

The train stops with a gradual halt, and I can feel my worries and thoughts drift further and further away. I smiled widely.

"Marlene! Jill! We're here! Hurry up!" I trill excitedly, restraining myself from clapping my hands together like a lunatic. Everyone around us begins to stand up and file out of the train. The corridor becomes increasingly crowded. I press to the other side of the hall so I don't get trampled.

"You do know that you're the loudest person on the train, right?" grins Jill as she emerges from behind the dressing room drape, pushing her way through towards me.

I smiled at her, as she lounged against the wall beside me. "Marleeennee!" I sing jovially.

"I'm knackered, okay?" whines Marly, clacking noises emerging from her stall indicating she's having trouble putting her shoes on. "I got literally no sleep last night! Jam your hype*, Lil!"

One of the seventh year boys "accidentally" pull back the dressing drape to reveal a disheveled Marlene, buttoning up her shirt. His friends 'ooh' and laugh. Jill frowns, a disappointed look on her face. Marlene whips around angrily as the blokes started to move along.

"You must think you're all so _fucking_ hilarious, don't you?" rages Marlene, as she stumbles out of the compartment and loosely ties her tie around her neck. The boy who pulled back the curtain looks over his shoulder and winks at her.

"As if, Collins! It's not happening!" she says indignantly, a deep red trickling onto the apples of her cheeks. Chris Collins has had a bit of a crush on Marlene for a while. He's a Gryffindor, and is known to be particularly popular with the birds at my school. Marlene insists that it's one sided, and that he's dreaming if he ever thinks that he could have her, but Jill and I know better. I'm actually fairly surprised that Chris acted the way he just did. He's usually a gentlemen. Jill and I exchange looks, throw our heads back,and laugh.

We had arrived at Hogwarts.

It's good to be home.

**A/N: Did you like it? Hate it? Love it? I thought that a first person story would be pretty interesting to write, and it is out of my comfort zone so I thought: why not? Anyway, let me know your thoughts.**

**Take Care, **

**Summer**

*Calm yourself


	2. Somewhere to Begin

**A/N: Alright, so this one's in James' point of view. I gather that you've read so many fanfics in Lily's POV that you need a bit of James in your lives. I know I do :) **

_Oh simple thing where have you gone?_

_I'm getting old and I need something to rely on_

_So tell me when you're gonna let me in_

_I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin_

* * *

**James**

I walk with a little less pep to my step as I enter Hogwarts. I tilt my head up to see the graceful and ancient stone arches that shape my school. I note the engravings upon them that I've seen so many times. I shove my hands in my pockets, my mood dark even though it's the first day of school. I should be excited. Happy, even. I wait for the excited bursts in my stomach as I step into the Great Hall. I hear familiar voices, smiles, and hear familiar laughters. I wave at a couple of people whom are waving at me. My mood ceases to change, despite the fake smile that I've mastered. My mother would be ashamed of me right now. Before I came to school, all she would talk about was how, when I was at Hogwarts, I was to forget what was happening outside of these stone walls. I have to think jovially. I'm together with my mates. I get to see Lily every day, even if we get in a fucking row every second we talk. I just can't help myself when I think about outside these boundaries that I'm in. What kind of person would I be if I was so closed minded, so ignorant of the events occurring?

The War is constantly on my mind. I brood more often than I'd like, against my mother's wishes. I can't get over that people are getting murdered. Right now. At this very moment. And I'm here, in my school, safe. Is it fair?

I don't think it is.

The days seem darker, even if the sun is shining outside my criss crossed window. For so many years I've occupied myself with troubling over girls and my appearance and Lily and pranks, but now? I don't think it's fair to the people who have to fight for their lives from dawn until dusk. It should be me. I'd feel a hell of a lot more useful out of Hogwarts. I love the place-it's practically my home, but I've outgrown it. I'm tired of seeing the same old faces, hearing the same jokes that have been recycled. I don't feel particularly special that I'm in on all the private jokes that people have, and I don't feel that flattered that some birds giggle when they see me, and their cheeks tint an adorable rosy color. It's appreciated, but I don't use it to fuel my happiness or my pride any more.

I'd like to say that I've changed, but I really haven't. It's not like I actually share these thoughts with others, besides my mates.

"What are you thinking about?" asks Sirius, as we sit down at the far side of the table. Our usual spot.

I shake my head and sigh. "Nothing, really. Just...you know."

"I know." he frowns. "It's hard not to think about the War. Fucking Voldemort and his bloody cronies, acting like they're superior. I swear, if a Snape shows his repugnant face, you'll have to hold me back from snapping their neck."

"Don't even bring him up. Just another way for me to end up in Azkaban." I say, as if a terrible taste plagued my mouth. My nostrils flare at the mention of Snape. I stab my fork a bit too harshly into my Shepard's pie. Snape's a particularly filthy little shite that I happen to go to school with. He's my least favorite part of Hogwarts. Why? Because he loves the Dark Arts. If the Dark Arts was a religion, he'd be one of those freaks that literally lugged around their holy book, shoving their wretched beliefs down people's throats and singing awful songs about it. He's impossibly skilled at Potions, and was also mates with Evans.

I don't understand how that even happened. How could someone like him, the repugnant insect that he is, befriend a bird like Evans? How could she even accept that? She's too kind. Literally. I could never be as kind as she is, because I would surely die from holding my tongue for 99% of the time I walk about this Earth.

Remus sits down next to me, simaltaneously grabbing a roll and plunking it on his plate. "Have you guys seen Wormtail since the train? I thought he was following me, but when I looked behind me he wasn't there."

I shrug. "Pete's a big boy. He can take care of himself. He's probably in the bathroom or something."

"Speaking of Wormtail," says Padfoot a little more cheerfully. He nods towards our friend, who's talking to...to Esther Quinn! Peter's always had a thing for her.

I grin. "That's my boy," I declare proudly, wanting to sprint over and clap him on the back for his Gryffindor courage. It's difficult for Peter to speak to women. We all have our achilles heel, and that's always been a weakness of his. I'm proud of him. He's sort of like the little brother I never had. I think, no matter how far we drift apart after Hogwarts, that I'll always have a bit of a soft spot for the bloke. He's a bit stocky, but not fat. He has straw like hair that he struggles to keep tame every morning, and he does try to impress the birds of this school. If he only tried to actually speak to the girls, would he have a chance. Peter's a nice kid.

He's tried out for Quidditch loads of times, but the poor chap never has made the cut. It kills me to scratch his name off the tryouts list.

"Elena Grey looks unusually fit," comments Padfoot, as our attention resorts back to closer targets. I scan Elena from head to toe, admitting that her dark hair that cascaded down her back with her sun tanned olive skin does look rather good. She walks by casually, feeling our gazes on her. I look back down and scoop up more pie, however. She may be fit, but I'm not too interested.

"Yeah. " I answer offhandedly, and Remus nods in agreement.

"Did you guys do the Transfiguration summer work?" asks Remus worriedly, pouring pumpkin juice into his goblet. I can tell that he's itching to run up to the dormitories to snatch the assignment and discuss it lengthily "It was a bit tricky for me. Number fourteen..."

I scoff. "Moony, Moony, Moony. You worry too much, mate. Transfiguration's simple. You often forget that you have a best mate that's pretty skilled at it. I'll check it over when we get to the dorms, yeah?"

"Thanks, Prongs." he replies gratefully. His eyes flicker to my badge. "I just want to say that I'm really glad it's you. You know, for Head Boy. You'll be brilliant."

I thank Moony as Padfoot doubles over in laughter. "Prongs as Head Boy is still bloody strange, Moony don't deny it!"

"Your support is much appreciated," I laugh shortly.

"Think about all the rules we can find loopholes in-"

My excitement starts to return again, a warm feeling in the pit of my stomach that is so pleasing that if it were chocolate, I would eat it as fast as Moony does. "And the pranks we could plan-"

"And how we can finally add intuitive twerks to it,"adds Remus, his mischievous smile curling at his pale pink lips.

Suddenly, as Remus and Sirius chatter on exhileratedly about a master plan to open up the school year with a bang, I stretch my neck to look down the table. Towards the middle my eyes soften at Lily. She's throwing her head back laughing, putting her little hand over her mouth. Earnest is pouting a bit, and McKinnon is growing a little red in the face as she tries to conceal her apparent amusement. I can tell that Lily is poking fun at Earnest, and I can't help but want to snap a photograph with my mind. She's so-so-beautiful. Her green eyes sparkle as she says something loudly, despite Earnest's protest. She's so effortlessly and naturally beautiful.

And I'm not talking about her physical appearance. I went over that WAY back when (Fourth Year, I recall). Over the last couple years I've been falling for her personality more and more. Why? Because she's the opposite of boring. Here's the thing with the birds at Hogwarts. They think that blokes find it fit if they dumb themselves down, and do everything we tell them to do. At first it's brill, but then the relationship or fling gets dreadfully dull. With Lily, it's never been like that. She's always been a challenge. Stubborn, she is. Even if she's tired, it's like she never runs out of ammunition. That, and she doesn't hold back with her intelligence. Our banter is some of the best and smartest conversations that I've ever had (even though most of the time she makes me sound like a plonker, and I temporarily throw a fit).

It makes me mad. So mad, that I'm convinced that I belong in an asylum. An asylum for the unrequited love-givers.

What I hate the most is our rows. And we have a bloody LOAD of them. It's about stupid little things, too. We seem to get irritated at the strangest things. Like this afternoon, with the whole prefect thing. Perfect example. She makes me so angry. That's the thing that puzzles me about her. She can make me so happy and so angry all at the same time.

I can never figure that girl out.

Lily catches my gaze, and I feel my heart skip a beat. There's a potent energy between our gazes, and for some reason-she captivates me. I can't break this. She chews on her lip adorably, before breaking the small connection we had. I restrain from scowling in frustration as I turn back to my food.

Suddenly, it's like my ears start working again. I look up at Padfoot to see him nearly scarlet in the face with amusement. "-Prongs? PRONGS? HEY! I'M TALKING TO YOU!"

"I hear you, I hear you Pads! Agrippa, pipe down so the whole bloody Hall is saved from hearing your girlish shrieks." I grin.

"What do you say we sneak out to Hogsmeade?" he says in a thrilled whisper. "For old times sake? Moony doesn't approve," Moony's light eyes are concentrated rather hard on his green beans. Padfoot playfully glares at him as Moony cocks a side smile of triumph. He's always been one to stand by his own decisions. "but he's a pussy, and I know you aren't."

I raise my eyebrows. "I don't know..."

"We need firewhiskey. Who else is going to spike the punch? We need to stock up for this year, anyway!" he pushes, his charcoal grey eyes glinting with delight. He's basking in the thought that we're seventh years now. That we have the reins for the school. We're in charge. And that means a shite load of Gryffindor house parties.

How else am I supposed to drown my problems and wash them away, anyway? "I'm in." I agree, loving the rush that floods my veins. It's like a drug, and I'm glad I'm feeding into my old habits again. I know I shouldn't. But why refuse when it feels so bloody great?

Just as my smile begins to stretch even wider at the thought of some fun, Price walks over to Evans . Ethan Price and Lily Evans have been together for two years. Price is actually a good bloke, as much as I want to believe that he is a slimy git. With his last two girlfriends, he was nobody but a gentleman. There was no cheating, no backstabbing, no sly comments that were demeaning to women. I respect him completely. That's what makes it so hard.

The one thing that I hate about coming back to school is seeing them together. The way her eyes light up as they spot him, and the way she throws her arms around him with a shriek of delight. How I wish I was him. To feel her arms around me, to smell her scent, to be the cause of her smile.

I tear my eyes away from them, as Remus pats me on the back assuringly. He gives me a slight smile, and though I hate pity, I accept his. Sirius shoots the bloke a glare as he kisses Lily and sits down next to her.

"He's got nothing on you, Prongs." he says reassuredly, a scowl on his face as Lily laughs at something he says. "I mean look at his...er...look at his face! It's ghastly! Can you imagine the nurses at Mungo's when he popped out?" He held an invisible baby in his hands and his face twisted into one that is horrified. "'What is it, Mary?' 'I'm not sure!' 'It looks so deformed that I wonder if it's a person at all!' 'This can't be right!'"

It was a valiant attempt that I rewarded with a pleased smile, but Padfoot actully liked the bloke. No one can say they hate Ethan Price even if they tried. There has never been a reason to. Even Padfoot can't find anything substantial about him to degrade his reputation a bit.

Peter returns from the Ravenclaw table, a pleasant flush on his face. He notices our attention on Lily and her boyfriend, and he understands immediately as he sits next to Sirius. His freckled face grants me a kind side smile, his watery blue eyes warm.

"Don't worry, Prongs." he says in an attempt to be cheery. "Everything'll be alright in the end. Promise."

I drown my pumpkin juice, wishing it was firewhiskey. I long for the burning sensation that it grants my throat, the artificial satisfaction that washes over my senses. "We're going to Hogsmeade tonight."

Peter nods his blonde head. "Sounds fun!"

"Moony is coming too," says Sirius with a wicked grin on his face.

Remus groans, massaging his forehead like he did when he was unhappy. "Why must you drag me into your stupid endeavors? This whole Hogsmeade trip is extremely naive." He fishes for a decent excuse not to attend besides the obvious possibility of getting in trouble. He waves his hand at me. "And what example would James be if he was caught? He does have a new position. It can't be the same as last year!"

I scoff in protest as I scoop up some potatoes. "Me being Head bloody Boy isn't changing a thing. I'm not letting an idiotic promotion get in the way of living my life. It's not like I asked for it. It's seventh year, for Agrippa's sake!"

"You're just stubborn as a cow."muttered Remus, sipping his water moodily. "You know you're proud of being Head Boy. Denying it is pointless."

"That's like saying I'm not proud to be a Gryffindor." I observe critically as I stuff more food into my mouth. It provides a strange comfort to me. Food has always been a crutch. Thank Merlin I don't have fat bloke genes, because we all know that I would be a lonely, obese man if I had inherited my Uncle Albert's unfortunate DNA. "Which is just plain bloody false. If I was put in any other house I'd have probably left this place a while back."

"There has to be a small part of you that's proud, though." chirps Peter. "I know I would be!"

"You'd be proud if you were made captain of the chess club," retorts Remus a bit harshly. As Peter slouches a bit, Remus quickly saves himself. "You haven't gotten many leadership roles, I mean. It's only natural that you would be thrilled."

"Can we not talk about myself having more responsibility this year that I don't necessarily want?" I ask aggressively, not wishing to discuss such a depressing topic anymore. I don't want to remind myself how easy it is going to be to fail at this new fucking job that I was handed.

"Dumbledore must have been smoking a pretty thick joint or something to have put you in this position, Prongs." says Sirius rationally, as if it were the only explanation. " Not that you won't be great, but there are plenty of other blokes who would weirdly kill for your job."

"If I were you, I'd just be glad that I got it instead of Snape." says Peter fairly. The kid makes a decent point. I would take a muggle revolver and promptly shoot myself in the face if Snivellus was made Head with no hesitation. The terror he would cause in this place...people would be sprinting for cover. Well, they do that already when he hobbles down the hallway but think of the utter HORROR!

Sirius almost laughed as he forked some more sauteed chicken into his mouth. "Dumbledore's not dense, Peter. He wouldn't make a bloke that has a knack for the Dark Arts and unnaturally greasy hair and pathetic, awkward interaction with women to be a-" He shudders for cinematic effect. My lips curl into a smug smile. "Role model for this place. Dumbledore may be off his rocker, but he's not a muppet*."

Remus roars with laughter, his soft eyes gleeful. "Snape as a role model. Ah, that'll be the bloody day, yeah?"

"Can you imagine?" exclaims Peter in fake horror. "I would fear leaving our dormitory!"

"Walking in the corridors would be a bloody nightmare." says Sirius. "Not for me, of course. For him. I don't think McGonagall would be able to control me if I hex him on sight. She would probably have to restrain herself from doing so !The bastard already thinks he's Merlin already! Him being Head would just mean that he would get up higher on the horse that he obviously doesn't have." I nearly choke on my food, trying to keep myself from doubling over with laugher. "It would be more of a reflex than anything. It's already hard enough not to do it now."

We sit in comfortable silence after another round of chortling and clapping each other on the backs to get oxygen into our systems.

Moony suddenly says conversationally, "Thank you for respecting my decision about not attending tonight's little adventure, by the way."

I raise an eyebrow. "We don't, though."

"You have to come!" cries Peter. My Agrippa, he's loud today. "It's tradition!"

Remus groans again. "It's a tradition that's been nothing but trouble. Third year, Prongs breaks his foot!" I remember that! Damn branch came out of nowhere! "Fifth year Padfoot basically shags a random stranger that happened to be twice his age at Three Broomsticks-"

"Now now Moony, let's not be provocative at the dinner table." interrupts Sirius loudly. "Think of the children!"

He glares sharply at Padfoot. "Fourth year, Peter nearly passes out from scurrying around so much-"

"CHANGING THE SUBJECT, " interrupts Peter loudly, not enjoying the horrid memories of his chubbiness. He had worked hard to slim down over the last few years. "SOME FOOD EH?"

"-And then last year, I nearly drown in the river that we passed by on Prongs' little 'secret' passageway back to the castle!"

"I didn't think it looked that dodgy! How was I supposed to know?!" I protest resentfully, the corners of my mouth twitching downward at the memory.

Seeing Moony's arms flailing about in the rushing water as Padfoot jumped in to save him...that was one of the scarier experiences of my life. The whole way home I took all of the insults that Remus shot at me with clear anger, taking each hit and accepting my mistake. I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for that.

"-So excuse me for declining to go on such a vapid adventure." finishes Remus in a worked up huff. In a nervous flutter, he curls his hands into fists and relaxes them again.

"You can't base something on what happened in the past," tries Peter, though his heart is not fully in that statement.

Padfoot chews on his chicken and nonchalantly adds, "We can't all be ninnies, Moony."

Though Remus is nothing close to a ninny, it's something to tease him by, because it was so ironic. He was such a far cry from being a ninny it was extraordinary. Moony was one of the bravest people I've ever had the pleasure to know. To carry the burden he does would tear apart some people. I know I wouldn't survive it. I think we all admire him, and find it amusing how he struggles to stay in line with school rules when he hangs out with a band of lunatics like Padfoot and I.

"When you all get into trouble, don't come sobbing to me begging for support because you won't get it." snaps Remus defensively, cleaning the remains of his plate with a neat scoop of his fork.

We merely laugh in response, and as Remus attempts to appear composed, we know he's hiding a laugh as well.

* * *

"Potter," says Lily flatly, brushing some of her bright hair out of her face.

"Evans," I reply with a cheeky smile. "How was supper?"

We're waiting outside the Great Hall for McGonagall to show us to our offices. Some students actually believed the absurd notion that we had our own private dormitories (I can only dream), but it was just a place to work out our Head duties. I don't expect it to be anything special.

Lily blushes, probably remembering shoving her tongue down Price's throat. I restrain myself from vomiting. "It was nice, actually. It's good to see everyone again. It's crazy how people evolve over the summer, yeah?"

"I guess." I shove my hands in my pockets, feeling uncomfortable.

She cranes her neck back into the Great Hall, looking antsy. She taps her foot against the stone ground as the clamor caused by our peers around us slowly fades away. Lily chews on her lip.

Aren't you afraid that you're going to bite your poor lip off, Evans?

She looks at me curiously. "Excuse me?"

Fuck. Did I say that aloud?

"Well," I say, grinning a bit."I've noticed that you-er-tend to chew on your lip there when you get nervous." She raises her ginger eyebrows. "Chewing being an understatement. You actually knaw at it like some kind of rabid animal. Your lips are your friends, Evans. Relax! McGonagall will be here any moment now."

She looks half taken aback, half amused. I probably look like a raving idiot right now. She cocks a brilliant smile. "Of course you would notice something like that, Potter. It's really nothing, though. I've been doing it for the longest time. It's become more of a habit, really. For years, now."

A very adorable habit, I might add.

"Stop now before you hurt yourself." she says with aggravation, looking back through the massive entry doors again.

I said it aloud again?! FUCK! I need to stop doing that!

She crosses her arms across her chest. Which looks good. Very good. LOOK AWAY. LOOK AWAY GOD DAMN IT. WOMEN ARE NOT TOYS! But...they're so...POTTER, BY MERLIN SHUT YOUR FACE AND LOOK UP AND BE NORMAL FOR ONCE.

Giving myself a pep talk always does the trick.

I awkwardly rub the back of my neck and part my eyes from Lily's chest.

McGonagall suddenly marches through the doors, the familiar stern look upon her aged face comforting. She's always been my favorite teacher. She doesn't always show it, but I know I'm her favorite student. Why wouldn't she love me? I'm top of the class in her class.

"Good Evening, Mr. Potter and Ms. Evans." she says to us curtly. She doesn't really stop in front of us to chat. She's the kind of person who has so much leadership skills that when she speaks she expects us to follow her voice. Our common sense at school rusty from days laying about the beach, she stops midway up the corridor. "Are you two going to gape at me like that, or are you going to follow me?"

Lily and I exchange looks as we rush to keep up with McGonagall's impossible pace. She's talking about something-probably congratulating us on our positions and blah blah blah. I'm more paying attention to Lily's flushed and embarrassed face. She hates being outed by teachers. I meet her eyes and I give her a reassuring grin. She turns away. Basically feels like a little slap in the face. Ah, what a normal start to the year.

Dear lord, McGonagall's pace can't be human. How is she doing this in heels?

We're nearby Dumbledore's office, I've noticed. I gaze out onto the courtyard that my eyes are so familiar to seeing. I can't help but adore the lush grass, the ancient benches, the little trees. My mates and I hang around here fairly often. It's chalked full of good memories that I would never trade for anything.

We take a sharp left at the end of the hall and come to a door that I don't think I've ever noticed. It reads "Administration Only".

I suddenly feel much more dignified than I ever have at school, feeling important and entitled.

Who am I kidding? I feel like this all the time! But it's a good feeling, and being an admin fuels this wonderful feeling.

Lily looks at it in near amazement, and I nearly chuckle at her reaction as McGonagall opens the the door with a brisk click. The door hovers open and McGonagall steps back. Lily pushes the ancient wood forward and we enter a well lit room full of books. And when I say full of books, I'm being literal.

The majority of walls around us are stacked with endless amounts of books, encyclopedias and textbooks. One wall has a series of slots that look like slim cubbies that I used to use in prelim school. Each slot is labeled in careful and precise handwriting with something like "Play by play Recordings: Quidditch 1977-1978", "Rounds Schedules - September 1977. It ranges from school sports to grades. The last two slots read, "Head Boy" and "Head Girl". I get my own mailbox! Wicked. I feel my dimples forming as my pleased smirk deepens.

There's a circular table in the middle of the rather spacey room, the last light left of the day reflecting onto it from the long window in between a couple bookshelves. Four chairs are pushed in tightly around the mahogany table, and atop of it is a basket full of scones, and muffins. I notice in the far corner of the room there's even a coffee maker. My hand itches to grab a blueberry scone, fill up a coffee cup, and sit down at the table to look professional.

I look at Lily, who's grazing her hand across the table in awe. She looks over her shoulder at me and her face breaks into a blazing, and wide smile. Her eyes seem to mirror it.

"Isn't this exciting?" she mouths to me, beaming.

"This is where you will be sorting out and performing most of your Head duties." explains McGonagall from behind us, striding forward next to me as Lily 's attention snaps to her. "This is also where I'll expect to meet you to check up and touch base about several school affairs. You will also be responsible for school events, as you well know." We both look at her hopefully, and she nearly rolls her eyes. "There will be no dances this year, either."

"But Professor-" Lily and I say together, in almost a pleading voice. Our school hasn't seen anything close to a school dance in decades. Probably since the last Triwizard Tournament that happened, and that wasn't even at Hogwarts.  
"That's enough, both of you." She snaps, clearly having argued about the subject several times.  
"Please?"I ask.  
She pauses, glaring at both of us, before sighing helplessly.

"Nonetheless," she says strongly, with a little smile on her face. "We may make some arrangements for something like a dance. Perhaps something like a small social gathering in the Hall after exams at the end of the year." Lily looks as if she wants to literally pounce on that idea. "I'm not sure Dumbledore, or the committee would approve, but it's about time this school have a bit of fun."  
Lily and I almost die of shock. McGonagall speaking so comfortably about fun and school was...well, shocking.

She leaves us shortly after, with a sharp comment of "I expect that you know where your dormitories are!"

Lily and I couldn't help but snoop around in our little office. It smelled a bit dingy, but besides that it was brilliant. Lily pulled out a book and was flipping through it with such awe that I wondered if it had the cure to cancer in it or something like that. My hands in my pockets, I peek about the room, looking for a secret compartment or something out of the ordinary. I find a slim entryway almost directly left from the main entrance.

"Evans, have you seen this yet?" I query curiously as I step towards it.

She struggles to see what I'm talking about. "What is it?"

Her red head is soon by my side as peer inside. It's pitch black. Before I reach for my wand, I hear a small voice whisper, "Lumos,"

From the tip of Lily's wand, the room comes into the dim light. Shadows lurk in the corners, but I'm pleased that there are windows nearly everywhere. The room's a good bit smaller than the last room we were in, but it was much cleaner. There was no dust or cobweb in sight. A long table is in the middle of the room, one end with a chair and the other with one as well. More bookshelves clutter the walls, creeping around the windows and nearly occupying every wall space there was. I gazed at the moon outside of a large window as Lily disappeared from my side. When I was younger, Mum used to tell me that wherever I was in the world, if I looked at the moon she'd be looking at it from wherever she was. A warm, fuzzy feeling came over me at the short moments that I stared at the round shaped sphere, glittering gloriously in the sea of blackness.

"I think this is the study room," Lily says, snapping me out of my daze. My eyes find her at the far side of the room, a book in her hand. She places it back and walks towards me.

"This is really amazing, isn't it?" she comments. Though I can't see her face clearly, I know she's smiling. "I never thought...it's such an honor, you know?"

"Eh." I shrug my shoulders.

"You can't tell me that you aren't even a little proud of yourself for being here."

"Okay, maybe I am." I admit. "But only a little."

"Studying here is going to be great," she gushes. I can imagine her here, studying hard like she always does right before an exam. "It's so secluded and quiet."

I don't reply, because I don't have anything to say about it. I'm not particularly amazed by this place. I'm not looking forward to studying late at night. I look up at the moon again, and long for summer nights, where Padfoot and I would run wild. Throw parties, snog girls, hang around. And talking to my Mum is always great, especially when Dad's in a mood. He often is, because of the war. It puts more stress on his shoulders, and he tends to let it out on me. He's not the type to hold back and pack down his feelings for the sake of others. If he's angry, you know it the minute he comes through the door. Mum is sensible, and listens to me. I can't deeply talk with many people in my life. Sirius is one person, and Mum is another. They both are what keep me going every day.

There was a pause before she asks me, "What are you thinking about, Potter?"

"My mum." I reply honestly. "Though you may think I'm joking, I'm not. The moon always reminds me of her. It looks beautiful tonight. Just like Mum is."

Lily stares up at me, her green eyes wide. I try not to look down at her. She giggles, "James Potter thinking about his Mum? Strange."

What is so fucking strange about it? Is it awful that I appreciate my Mum and that I miss her advice? Why is it so much of a bloody shock to Lily that I love my family? It's like she sees me as someone completely different from who I actually am. Sometimes I just want her and her judgemental self out of my life.

"Yeah." I reply moodily. "Real strange."

"I didn't mean to offend you!" she says quickly.

"Too late." I reply frostily, turning around and heading for the exit. I'm tired of this. All of it. I'm tired of this on and off crap that we always go through. One minute she's alright and the next she spits insults at me. I'm tired of loving a girl who doesn't even want to make the effort to see who I actually am. Is she even worth it?

"Potter," she says with a defeated tone, her small footsteps following me out of our office into the corridor.

I want to keep walking forward. To leave her in the dust. I wanted to be as cold as a bird could be when she was angry, leaving the bloke in the dust to wonder about where he went wrong. For some reason, I turn around and look at her.

"What do you want?" I ask with an earnest tone.

Her eyebrows come together. "What I said back there-"

"Lily, answer the bloody question. What. Do. You. Want."

"I was just going to apologize but since you're being so rude I've changed my mind." she snaps, crossing her arms.

"I'm done with this." I point between us, my tone impatient. I am trying so bloody hard not to raise my voice. "I'm done with this naive banter that we have all the time. One minute you hate me and the other you talk like nothing's ever happened between us! I'm tired of it. Just tell me what you want!"

"What are you talking about?" she cries indignantly.

"I'm talking about us! You and me! You've got to choose now, Lily, or so help me I might pitch myself off the Astronomy tower! Are we friends, or are we not?"

Her jaw sets angrily. "I don't understand what you're implying. Why do I have to make this decision?"

"Because apparently I have no bloody say in anything between us!" I argue hotly, feeling the blood rising in my neck.

Lily pouts at me, and bites her lip again. She looks as if this is the most difficult decision she's ever had to make. She studies me as if I'm some kind of specimen, and though at other times i would bask in this oppurtunity to have Lily literally staring at me for more than two seconds, I feel really uncomfortable and vulnerable right now.

Merlin, this girl thinks too much.

"Do you think we could be friends?" she asks me cautiously, toying with a strand of her hair. Or I think she asks me. The question coming from her mouth is so absurd that I'm almost positive that it was my imagination.

"What?"

"Do you think we could be friends?" she asks again, a little less nervous now. I can't believe my ears. This is actually happening. "But just friends. Not anything more." She gives me a look. "Strictly friends."

"I get it." I say, trying to hide my happiness at this moment by masking it with an annoyed tone of voice. "Okay, so we'll be friends."

We stare at each other awkwardly for a couple of minutes, unsure of what to do now. 'How does one be friends with James Potter?' I'll bet she's wondering. I'm all for it, but she still looks cautious and even a little scared. Is being friends with me that terrifying? I mean, I haven't done much to her.

I did set her hair on fire...but that was years ago. Ah, and there was that time where I warped her potion to blow up in her face. That didn't end well. And the asking out thing was a bit over the top...and the pointless arguments...

God, I was an arsehole. A huge, fucking arsehole.

"I'm sorry." I blurt out. She seems surprised, and I surpress a blush. "For the past couple years I haven't exactly been-er-friendly."

"I haven't either." she says nobly. "I don't think we gave each other a real chance."

I struggle for my eyes not to pop out of my head. "See, there's this thing that friends do," I grin widely at her, and she returns it with a 'What are you doing, Potter?' smirk. "They call each other by...wait for it...their first names."

"How strange!" she laughs. "Do you think we'll be able to do it?"

"If we try." I smile. I hold out my hand. "Friends?"

She stares at my hand for a split second before placing her hand in mind and squeezing it. Her touch is like a hot and cold sensation, my stomach somersaulting the minute her skin touched mine. I look at her sparkling eyes, and find that she was already looking at me in the first place. This feeling can't be just me. Can it?

"Friends." Lily agrees reluctantly.

I wonder if she feels as I do-sort of relieved, but at the same time...scared out of my mind.

Then the memory hits me like a truck. One little thing...one little stupid thing could ruin this.

Does she remember what happened last year? Does she recall what we did? I never breathed a word about it to anyone. Though I wanted to brag to everyone that it finally happened, I held my tongue. Though we weren't particularly conscious... anyway, the morning after she walked around like nothing happened. She doesn't know. And she doesn't have to. She'll never be friends with me if she does.

* * *

**A/N: I think I like writing James a bit more than Lily :) Anyway, leave a review before you leave! Your opinion means a lot.**

*dimwit, or stupid


	3. Holding My Heart in My Hand

**A/N: So here's another chapter. Lily and James remember something that they tried to bury deep within their thoughts :) Take a look...**

_Give in, it´s so hard start  
Live in my skin  
The bruises are useless  
Against it_

I´ll try all I can  
To find a soft place to land  
Come down, come down, come down

I´m holding a heart here in my hand  
Hey, hey, hey  
My own work of art here where I stand  
Hey, hey, hey

_His lips are warm against my own. I laugh as he kisses me again and again, a smile forming on his face. His hazel eyes are directly in front of my own, and I feel like we are breathing together. Like our hearts beat as one. His lips twitch into a wider smile and he whispers, _

_"I can't believe this." He puts his hands in my hair and kisses my temple, and I giggle. My vision is spinning, my decision making blurred. "I can't believe I'm with you right now."_

_He kisses my neck and I moan with pleasure, before we both collapse in a fit of giggles. He presses me against the walls around the dormitory stairwell. I jump up, and wrap my legs around his waist. I grin wickedly at him, as he gazes at me with awe. I crash my mouth onto his-_

I gasp as I jolt awake, my eyes snapping open. I look around the room as my heart races in my chest, pounding against my ribcage like a never ending marathon. Marlene is in the bed next to me, her breath easy and silent. Her golden hair strewn about her pillow, and her eyes gently closed, I'm pretty sure that this is the calmest I'll ever see her. I hear Jill from the other side of the room, my pulse slowing as my ears recognize the familiar rhythm of her small snores. The remaining person in my dormitory is Sophie Darkwood, whom is right in between Jill and Marlene. Her fierce expression doesn't even leave her face as she sleeps. We are all friendly towards her, even though we aren't close. She's better friends with the seventh year girls in Ravenclaw, and I know I would simply hate being in a dormitory filled with people who were all such close friends, because I would never feel more alone. So, we include her in nearly every conversation. Her bright blue eyes are untrusting, and her personality is more on the rigid side, but once you get to know her she is really nice. In fact, I sometimes wish she wasn't friends with those Ravenclaw girls because it would be nice to have her as a mate. Anyway, her ink black hair is visible from the top of the maroon comforter, and I let out a breath of relief.

It was just a dream.

I climb out of my bed, and crawl toward the window seat. The night is peaceful, just like this first week of school has been. I think about Ethan's gentle face, his embrace around me comforting yesterday morning.

As I think of Ethan and how good he is to me, I get an awful feeling about that dream with James.

We are just friends. And that's been going extremely well. The professors are impressed-Potter and I have-whoops. Sorry, his name is James. That's been difficult. Anyway, we chose seats near each other. Professor Flitwick nearly fainted with joy, for he had never been good at handling us. He had a particular glow to him as he went about our first couple of lessons. McGonagall showed no response to or newfound friendship, and Potter is right behind me. We haven't as much as said one bad word towards each other. On our third day, as the class was migrating out, I was speaking with Sirius and James, groaning about how it wasn't a week into school and how i was going to fail Transfiguration. I looked over my shoulder, and McGonagall was smiling-I know-SMILING-at me. A gentle smile, but it was still there. As I left the classroom, I wondered what exactly she was smiling about.

But how could I dream about James' lips on my own? I certainly don't like him that way! I have a boyfriend! Who's perfect in every possible way! Well, not every way...he has anxiety and also cares way too much about how others view him, especially me, but STILL! That dream was really unnerving, as if it actually occurred.

It can't have, right?

No. Impossible. I'm taking a walk down loony bin lane right now.

Or am I?

I focus my eyes on the crescent shaped moon, as if it had all the answers. For some reason, just looking at it made me even more anxious.

How could it have happened? It was certainly not of my free will. I wouldn't just snog him out of the blue, especially not last year.

I KNEW being friends with him would mess with me. I KNEW it. It's just too strange!

But being friends with him is also...it's refreshing. It's like a different side to him. Well, it's not all that different, but he's-he's just not who I remember.

WHICH IS WHY THIS BLOODY DREAM CAN'T GET TO ME. JUST. A DREAM.

I could have gotten drunk-

Gracious.

What if...?

Last year, there was an end of the year party. Gryffindor had won again-the House Cup, the Quidditch Championship. Naturally, it was Sirius' duty to throw one of the best parties of the year. Everyone was invited, and for once in my life, I attended a Gryffindor Common Room party. I don't actually like parties. I don't enjoy being one of the crowd of hooting teenagers, who were practically devouring each other's faces off.

Ethan was sick (poor thing), and told me that I had to go. For him. His eyes were kind, his firm hand in my own, squeezing it reassuredly.

_"Love, you have to go." He said, his voice cracking. He coughed hoarsely. "They're always fun. The Marauders really know how to throw a good party. Treat yourself. You deserve it!" Ethan's brown eyes were reassuring._

_I pouted at him. "Ethan, you know i hate parties. You may find them to be fun, but me? Can you imagine ME, of all people, at a House party?"_

_He laughed weakly. "Look, just think about it, okay? I just think that this year was hard on you. The War's been getting worse, your parents are worried sick, you're sister is a-er-a bad person toward you-" I laughed. I loved how hard he had to force himself not to say something too horrible about Petunia. "and you've been working your arse off to get into the Auror program next year. You need to have some fun."_

_"But-"_

_"Do it for me." he pleaded. "Please? Lily, all I want is for you to be happy. I haven't seen you happy in so long."_

_"I'm happy with you." I said immediately, because it was true. _

_He frowned a little. "And I'm glad that you are. But i feel...I don't know, love, I feel like you should generate your own happiness. From inside yourself."_

_I blinked at him, before I squeezed his hand. I doubted that a party could grant me true happiness, and I got the feeling that he knows that. I thought he just...he wanted me to feel a sliver of true happiness. I supposed a party wouldn't be so bad. It was one night. What could happen? "Okay. I'll do it."_

_He beamed at me, and his face and body immediately relaxed. He sunk into the hospital bed a little bit._

_"But only for you." I reminded him sincerely, kissing his forehead._

I clutch my head as if it was going to explode. That night was the night. _The night. _My darkest hour. I got completely and utterly sloshed, in front of all of my peers. By Merlin, it's all coming back to me now. _Fuck, I messed up._

It comes back in colorful and terrible flashes, some too unbelievable to interpret. The first is of me dancing on the table, throwing a glass up and shouting, "TO GRYFFINDOR!" The crowd cheered in response, and I drained that firewhiskey like it was water. Remus helped me down before I hurt myself.

_"Lily," he said seriously. "You are really, really gone. I have never seen you like this before. I think it would be best if you went back to your dormitory." _

_I shoved his shoulder lightly, tumbling forward. "Silly Remus! Silly, silly, silly..."_

_He was not amused as he broke my fall. "Could you sit down then?"_

_I slowly laughed at him, as if he told the most hilarious joke in the world. I wrapped my arms around him and smiled, nearly shouting. "You're the funniest friend in the world! I-I-"_

_He suddenly picks me up, and I protested loudly. "REMUS! PUT ME DOWN!"_

_James seemed to appear out of thin air at our side as Remus shooed a snogging couple off the squashy couch. He placed me carefully onto the couch, and I giggled up the two boys like a happy baby laughed at the mobile above their crib. _

_"She's gone, mate." said Remus, relieved that I was in a safe place. He crossed his arms much like a parent would. "Agrippa, she's so unlike herself when she's pissed."_

_James nearly knocks Remus over as he tried to lean on his shoulder. "She's so pretty though! She's as beautiful as a star! SHE'S A STAR!"_

_James was apparently just as pissed as I was._

_"Bugger, not you too!" groaned Remus impatiently, trying to stabilize James so he could stand properly. Under his breath, he muttered, "THIS is why I hate parties."_

_I giggled in response to James' comment. "That's so nice of you, Pot-Pott-James Potter! You're a star!"_

_"Let's go be stars together!" He stumbled over toward me, and held out his hand which I took without hesitation. _

_Remus was nearly on the verge of throwing a fit. "You're seriously doing this right now? Are you both MAD? You two HATE each other!"_

_"I'm not Sirius, Moony!" pouted James, as I leaned on his shoulder, laughing for no reason. _

_"Remus, you're so funny!" I said with a hiccup._

_"Lily!" exclaims Remus frantically. "This is the bloke who's asked you out three hundred and forty two times! You practically hold him to the ground with your wand and scream at him when he says one word!" He turns to a swaying James, humming the tune of the music that plays throughout the room. "James, you have openly stated that you hate this girl more than the Holyhead Harpies! You've told me how she's un-negotiable, one sighted, yearly on her monthly, and I'm not going to forget the time she actually slammed her fist into your face for teasing her at the end of last year!"_

_I hug James around the waist and he grins broadly. _

_"But we're like, frrr-friends now. We're best-best-BEST friends!" I reply bubbly. James still sways on the spot to the music and I give obnoxious "WEEE!"'s with every motion. _

_"M-m-moooooooony." says James with a grin. "She's like, awesome, you know? We don't hate each other!" He searches for a compliment to pay me, but I wasn't paying any attention anyway. "She has glorious hands, you see?" He holds up my hands and brings them extremely close to his face. I giggle hysterically, and James makes eye contact with Remus through the spaces of my fingers. He grins even more broadly before stumbling a little to the left, me going with him. We catch ourselves before we fall, and burst into uproarious laughter_

_Remus threw his hands up. "I've had it! I'm done! You guys are going to regret this, and I won't say I didn't tell you so." He stormed away, shoving through people towards the boys dormitories. He disappeared up the staitrwell._

_"Me thinks he's cross." I whispered into James' ear, as if I were revealing that I was in fact a bloke._

_James nodded at me, before staring at me for a second. For that moment, I feel like we were both aware that we were talking to each other. Not screaming, not punching. Just-talking. Laughing. I smiled up at him, and he grinned down at me. He looked at me as if I were the most beautiful thing in the world. _

_I've always wanted someone to look at me like that._

_I pulled his hand towards the stairwell that Remus climbed up, my lips tingling. "Come on! I have a cool place that we should go and do stuff!"_

"MERLIN'S BLOODY PANTS!" I holler in utter horror, jumping up and getting on whatever I can get my hands on. I am panicking. Badly. I had kissed James Potter. While I was dating Ethan Price. No. No. NO. This can't be happening. Why does life throw these fucking shit balls in my face?

I end up wearing my Holyhead Harpies sweatshirt, regardless of the fact that it was yellow and my hair was red. It was a present from Jill in fourth year. It was a bit small on me, but I didn't care. I stepped into some jeans, jumping up and down like a lunatic so I didn't have to rezipper and rebutton.

"You've finally gone mad." comments a voice suddenly, out of the darkness. "It's official."

I scream in surprise, jolting back so fiercely that I lose my balance and fall upon the hard floor.

Two warm hands help me up, and I see Marlene's observant eyes blinking at me.

"What the hell is wrong with you, Lily?" she asks me bluntly, a worried wrinkle forming on her forehead. She yawns. "What's going on? You're going to wake everybody up!"

"I kissed James Potter, that's what's going on!" I blurt out , before clamping my hands over my mouth.

Her eyes are as around as golf balls. "ExCUSE ME?! It's not even a week into school and THIS HAPPENS?"

"I KNOW!"

She forces her voice lower. She raises her eyebrows at me, apparantly disbelieving. "Are you sure you're not delirious right now? Do you need a medic? I have some melatonin-"

"I'm not kidding!" I whisper-shout frantically. "I need to see him. Right now!"

Another groggy voice emerges from the darkness. Sophie looks radiant as she steps out of the shadows, but extremely angry that she had been woken up. Her brilliant blue eyes were like daggers.

"WHY are you shouting at three in the FUCKING MORNING?" she asks us furiously, crossing her arms rather violently. "Are you trying to make me angry? Congratulations, Lily! You've succeeded!"

"Sophie, this is really bad." I explain quickly.

"I doubt it." she says through her teeth.

"I snogged James Potter! And I didn't even know it 'till five minutes ago!"

She stares at me solemnly. There's a pause in the air. We're waiting for a surprised reaction. She dissapoints me."And?"

"How are you not surprised?" demands Marlene as quietly as she can.

Sophie shrugs. "I figured it was bound to happen. You two aren't exactly subtle."

My mouth drops. I fear that I'll soon collapse from heart failure.

"I-I-we are NOT-"

"How are you going to break it to Ethan though?" she asks me, waving aside my protest as if I had stayed silent. "He's going to be heartbroken."

"I'm not telling him." I say hesitantly, my palms becoming sweaty. "It was all a misunderstanding. I was pissed, and so was Potter, it meant nothing-"

Marlene interrupts me intensely, her eyes flaring. "Ethan Price is one of the best blokes in this dump, Lily. You owe him the truth."

I'm genuinely surprised that Jill hasn't woken up yet. I always forget how she sleeps like a rock. The world could be crashing down around us and she would be fast asleep.

"Some secrets aren't meant to be revealed." I protest, even though I know both of them were right. "It wasn't intentional, and it will ruin everything."

"Lily, you're a good person." says Sophie with an exaggerated huff. "Secrets eat girls like you alive."

She's never straight out given me a compliment. I restrain from throwing my arms around her and thanking her, but then the rest of her sentence was interpreted in my brain. Not true! I can handle this. It's just a little...complicated.

"Ethan will _die _if he finds out." I say nervously, suddenly pacing about the floor. "I can't do that to him. All I have to do is tell James, promise him not to say anything, and pretend nothing ever happened."

Sophie groans before whipping around. "Fine. I'm going to bed. This is pointless."

Marlene steps towards me, her intensity radiating off of her. "I swear Lily, Potter is going to be crushed if this ends badly."

"No he won't." I reply, aggravated. "We're friends. Strictly friends, and he knows that. Plus, he already told me that he doesn't feel anything like that for me."

"We all lie, Lily." she says in a scary, soft voice. "You should know that."

"He wasn't lying to me." I say with confidence. The bloke has begun to ask me advice about picking up birds! Just yesterday, in fact! Why would he ask that to someone he fancies? It's ridiculous. He's never fancied me, and never will. And that's okay.

Marlene holds up her hands. "Okay. Whatever you say. But if Potter get's hurt..."

"Do you fancy him, Marlene?" I ask curiously, with an edge to my voice. She seems so bloody protective over him. "You talk about him like you do."

Her nostrils flare, and her mouth opens a little as if in shock. "I thought you would know me better, Lily. Potter is like a brother to me. He's been there for me through everything. We were childhood friends. I laughed with him, I talked with him. He's cried on my shoulder, and I've cried on his. And at Hogwarts, he's been the one guy who hasn't screwed me over. He's my captain, and one of my best friends." Her eyes narrow at me, and that has never happened before. Her loyalty surprises me. I have never been a victim of one of Marlene's rants. I suddenly feel really small, and helpless in this whole conversation. "If you hurt him-by Agrippa it will be really difficult to speak to you again."

"Marlene, I don't want to hurt him, and i'm sorry that I asked if you fancy him." I say with defeat dripping in my voice. "I know you don't."

There's a loud silence in between us. In the dim light, I see her hardened expression soften. " I know. I'm just a bit protective of him, is all. It's weird."

I turn around towards the door, ready to tell James about this mess.

"And Lil?"

I look over my shoulder. "Yeah?"

Marlene's mouth turns into a white line. "Watch yourself, too. "

I nod at her, before disappearing through the doorway.

Gryffindor's boy dormitories are really not all that different from my own. But, this place feels so homey, and warm. It pacifies my anxiety, and makes me feel as if I am hugging a big teddy bear. It smells, too. In a good way. In a hot bloke cologne sort of way. It's extremely messy, and I have to try not to slip on the underpants (ew!), socks, shirts, and trousers that are thrown about the floor. James' bed is close to the window, just like mine.

The light from the moon illuminates James' face, and I can't help but study it. His features soften when he's asleep, but his jaw is still more or less prominent. He reminds me of a little boy, curled up in his bed after being kissed by his Mum goodnight. I feel like a criminal to wake him from his slumber.

I shake his arm. I whisper,"James."

He simply sniffs, and turns his head the other way.

"James?"

He says something. A word. It's soft, distant-like a whisper. I lean closer, my curiosity getting the better of me. Being this close to him makes my cheeks flush, but I try to ignore this. I refuse to accept the fact that I'm blushing. It's stupid.

The word sounds like a breath. If i wasn't so close to him I would have never heard it. He breathes calmly, "Beautiful."

I lean back immediately, puzzled. What the hell was that supposed to mean?

I decide I have waited long enough. I shake him more violently. "Potter, wake up."

His breath hitches for a moment, and he groans. James' eyes blink open. He turns his head, and sees me. I nearly give him a heart attack, I think. He rubs his eyes, and immediately rises from his bed.

"Ev-" James cries. He corrects himself. "Lily? What are you doing here?"

He checks his watch, the gold winking at me in the subtle light. He bends his head down closer toward it."It's three thirty in the morning! Are you mad?"

"SHH!" I say, frustratedly. He's almost as bad as I was in my dormitory about being quiet. "We need to talk."

James gropes his bedside table for his glasses. He pushes them onto his face before giving me a rather irritated look. "Right now. You want to talk right now."

I nod firmly.

"Can it wait?Until, oh, I don't know, the morning?"he retorts indignantly. Well then. Potter is not a morning person. Good to know.

"No. It's urgent." I say, grabbing his hand. "Come with me."

I realize that those three words were exactly what I said at the party. I look over my shoulder, terrified that I said that. I let go of his hand immediately. His expression was as if lightning had struck him. Does he realize what we did? Does he know? With a gross feeling in my stomach, I lead him out of his dormitory.

We tip toe down the stairs, into the common room. The fire is burning dangerously low, but we sit ourselves down there. The embers burn orange and red, casting shadows on James' face.

"James..." I begin awkwardly, suddenly feeling self conscious. If I were him, I would be convinced that my newfound friend was absolutely nuts.

"What?" he asks, his tone containing something i've never heard escape James Potter's lips in my life. Fear.

"You know." I say with realization. My temper flares, and before I know it I'm nearly shouting. "You knew! And you never told me!"

He breathes out and quickly replies,"I-"

"Friends don't lie!" I say, cutting him off viciously. "How am I supposed to trust you now, huh? I knew this was all going to be shot to hell! The _moment _ we shook hands-"

"Now wait just a minute!" he retorts with exasperation."I was going to pretend that none of it happened! I know you don't feel that way about me, and you know I don't feel that way about you, and it would mess everything up!"

I glare at him with as much fury as I can. Then, I look down and breathe out. I was being irrational, and stupid. I was ruining this whole thing. He was doing this for my better interest. I look up to see him breathing heavily, pacing about the room. His jaw was attractively tight, just like mine was when I got stressed.

"I'm sorry," I say in a small voice. I laugh sadly. "I have a tendency to get angry fairly easily."

He turns his head towards me, the light from the fire putting a glare in his glasses. James shoves his hands in his pockets and says, "I figured after all these years, Lily."

The way he says my name makes my stomach do a strange flutter.

"Yeah." I reply quietly, getting up and walking over towards him. "I didn't mean what I said, you know. I mean, us being friends is-"

"A struggle." grins James, finally. He walks about comfortably, nearer to me and then farther away. "But we'll work at it, yeah?"

"I still don't trust you, though." I say, habitually. Getting to comfortable with James made me strangely antsy. "If you say a _word, _everything in my life is going to collapse. Ethan is one person in my life who actually loves me, and I'm not willing to let him go because of a drunken kiss with you."

I wish I could have said that with more care, but it's out now. He stops and looks at me, unfazed. I'm surprised. I would have expected-never mind.

"Okay." he says, in a tone of voice that I don't recognize.

I stare at him. "_Okay_? That's all you have to say?"

He shrugs with nonchalance. "Yeah."

"Oh," I retort, before studying him. He gives me a 'What the hell are you doing?' look, but it's not in my nature to give a crap about what Potter's thinking of me. "You're different, you know."

James smirks at me, one dimple forming. He laughs. "I'm not. You've just started to know me, and you're surprised at what you've found."

"False." I snap instantly.

He laughs harder. "_False_? Merlin, you are a character."

"And you're irritating."

He smiles. "One of my many talents."

We stand in silence for a moment, and right before it gets uncomfortable-

"This is a bit random, but is that a Holyhead Harpies sweatshirt?"

"Wow." I say, sarcasm practically dripping out of my mouth. "You're a smart one, aren't you, Potter? I almost forgot that reading has been a struggle for you."

He doesn't seem offended by this at all, and simply laughs in retort. "They're rubbish, you know that?"

"You're on crack if you actually believe that." I reply, genuinely surprised. The Holyhead Harpies are a marvelous team! Dangerous, and capable. Those women who play on that team are my heroes. I wasn't one of those strange witches who hated Quidditch. I couldn't play for my life, that's a fact, but that doesn't mean that I don't love watching it.

"Puddlemere United is where the party is, Evans. I'm pretty sure you're the one on-what was it? Crack?" He replies without missing a beat.

"Can you seriously imagine _me_ taking drugs?" I ask, a smile threatening to break through my features. "I can't believe we're arguing about Quidditch at four o'clock in the morning. "

"You're full of surprises." he says smugly, his grin so wide I wonder how his face has the capacity to hold it. When he smiles, it makes me happy as well. It's like Potter is a walking happiness machine.

I nudge him playfully, before yawning. "You know, we should go to bed."

"Yeah." He said, his face falling but his tone of voice still chipper. He runs his hands through his hair nervously. I look up at him, and don't know whether to hug him, or to shake hands, or what. James clearly isn't the type to make decisions right now. I just put my hand up awkwardly and turn my back on him, and walk towards the girls stairwell.

"Goodnight, James" I tell him warmly. He looks at me like I should say more, and in an awkward attempt to be friend-like, I try to laugh the whole situation off, even though I don't want to. "Let's try not to get too sloshed next time, yeah?"

James opens his mouth to say something, but then holds back. He decides to say,"G'night, Lily." He gives me a thin smile, before walking tiredly toward his stairwell.

I feel like our conversation ended badly, but I tried not to worry about it.

At the top of the stairs, I swear I heard him say something. I linger there, trying to hear what he mumbled. I hear the door on the other side of the room close, and shrug. I press my hand against the door a little down the corridor, and practically fall into bed.

As I hug the pillow in my arms, wanting nothing more than to sleep.

* * *

**It's hard not to write Lily suddenly realizing that she's madly in love with James and that they're meant to be together and they ride off into the sunset. Pacing is one of my main focuses in this. I hope I'm doing alright! Let me know your thoughts on this chapter, okay? I love to hear your opinions. It's easier to judge my own work when I have them.**

**Take Care, **

**Summer**


	4. And I Love Her

**A/N: I love how I'm so terrible at creating chapter titles that I just take the title of the song that I have in the beginning and slap it up there. Please try to ignore it! Anyway, here's the story.**

_I give her all my love  
That's all I do  
And if you saw my love  
You'd love her too  
I love her_

* * *

**James**

Lily waves to me as she passes my spot at the stretched Gryffindor table. I smile at her, and wave back. When she looks away, my grin slips off my face as quick as you can say _Hufflepuff._

"You seem depressed this morning." comments Sirius exasperatedly, as I frown at my pancakes.

"Good observation." I retort moodily, my eyes not wavering from the bloody pancakes.

Peter made the pancakes smile at me, with two banana pieces for the eyes and syrup for the mouth. I look at it with disgust. How can a pancake be happier than I am? It's absurd. I proceed to glare at it.

"You look like you literally want to murder your pancakes." says Remus in all seriousness, sipping his pumpkin juice. "James, that's not normal."

"Really?" I snap sarcastically. "I was under the impression that everyone made mental death threats to their breakfast foods."

"WHY must you hate on these beautiful things?" gasps Peter in utter shock, cutting himself a piece of my plate. As he chews, he adds, "See? Pancakes make you happy!"

"This is the stupidest conversation I've ever had." I say bluntly, pushing away the pancakes.

"No," said Remus, with a smirk. "The stupidest conversation you've ever had was when Padfoot asked 'What if sweaters could speak?'"

"IT'S A VALID QUESTION!" retorts Sirius.

Remus stares at him in disbelief. "_WHO _gives a rat's arse about sweaters and their ability to stay silent?!"

"It would just be really cool if they could talk, you know?"

"No, I don't. Please enlighten me on the subject." said Remus. Sirius opened his mouth to reply, but Remus cuts him off. "On the other hand, why don't we just talk about something else."

"You're just jealous that you hadn't thought of it before." pouted Sirius, sticking out his chin and looking away. "My creativity takes you by storm and you don't know what else to do than attack me. You're acting out.

The rest of breakfast goes by normally. Sirius pokes fun at Moony, who tries to hide the fact that he's irritated by spitting back sassy comments. Even I can't help but roar with laughter at their antics. Peter is always quieter in the mornings, like me. We aren't exactly morning people.

This morning, when our alarm blared, I literally chucked it across the room.

_"Mornin' sunshine," yawned Sirius, rubbing his eyes and stretching his arms into the air. Remus' eyes were wide like saucers._

There was this one time where Sirius had to practically force me out of my bed. He had to grab a hold of my legs and quite literally drag me along the floor. Remus took a hold of the matter with blasting a horn in my ear. Peter and Sirius had to hold me back from strangling him. Ah, good times, yeah?

Moony smooths out the Prophet with a soft crackle, peering closely at an article. His soft eyes squinted curiously, a frown sculpting onto his delicate face. A part of me doesn't want to know what happened today. That part of me just wants to be completely oblivious to everything, to listen to Mum's advice, to live as if nothing was going on. Another part of me is screaming at the fact that, while I'm learning about Ancient Runes, there is a family out there struggling to survive this war. They have to throw everything behind them, and virtually disappear for even a chance at life. I find that my eyes scope the Great Hall meticulously, unlike I have for the past week. I observe how many faces that sat at tables were absent, and how many smiles were not full or true. I clutch my fork tightly, as if it were You-Know-Who's wretched heart. How I would squeeze it. How I would suck the life out of him like he forced upon so many others.

Suddenly, breakfast comes to a close, and there are loud shuffles of feet. Voices rise again, and bags are slung over shoulders or heaved over their backs. My peers begin to migrate out of the Great Hall, toward their first period classes. Sirius pops up with a careless flick to his hair, grabbing his worn rucksack and trudging towards the exit_. _Moony grabs his satchel, and Peter grunts a little as he picks up his books. I sigh, following them out of the hall towards Muggle Studies.

I sit myself down in the third row, deciding that in the third row I wouldn't be considered an overachiever, nor a slacker. I make myself comfortable, yawn, and plunk my book onto my desk unwillingly. I really don't want to be here. It's September and I literally can feel how long school is going to be this year, and I'm absolutely dreading it.

Lily sits in front of me, grinning cordially as she passed me. Her hair looks rather nice in a golden red french twist. A few stray curls frame her face. She sits next to Mary MacDonald, a friend of hers that I've talked to on some occasions. She's alright, but she kind of scares me because she talks so much and so fast that I can't keep up.

Moony sits down next to me, in an angry huff.

"Ugh." he says, whipping out his things. "I mean, really! Sweaters?! It's absurd! Of course no one gives a bloody grindylow's crap if sweaters could strike up a conversation with someone. I mean-"

"Settle down, everyone." commanded Professor Hawthorne, walking in and making is. I can feel all the girls in the room take a sharp intake of breath. Professor Hawthorne came a few years back. He's a young bloke, fresh out of the university. He's surprisingly a stellar teacher, but I can't help but feel a twinge of annoyance when he gets all the bloody attention.

I suck in a breath as Lily lets down her glittering red hair, as Professor Hawthorne speaks about our homework (I think). I wonder if she knows how beautiful she is. Sometimes I don't know if girls know that they're beautiful. Not just Lily, but every girl I've ever met has been beautiful in some way, and I wonder if they know that.. Their eyes, their smile, the way they laugh, or talk. Their passion, their intelligence, the way they move. Women are majestical creatures, Sirius and I have concluded. Most are very self conscious, too, and that makes me feel very sad for them. More so than blokes, I've heard. I presume it's rather hard to be a girl. You have to worry so much about being pretty or fit and having exactly the right dress and certain makeup and the girls around you do nothing but judge. They try to be whoever they aren't when they're most beautiful exactly who they are-when they're not trying, I feel like birds are the fittest.

But I've never met a girl who was beautiful in every way I could think of, and that's Lily.

I wonder if it's always going to be like this. If I'm going to be friends with her, and watch her grow, year after year. She'll probably train to be an Auror, like me. She'll meet that perfect guy that she's always wanted and deserved, and they'll get married and probably have kids. Lily will smile at me at work when she sees me, and I'll smile back. We'll talk about how much has changed since Hogwarts, when really nothing has. Lily will go on and have a wonderful life, and she can have one without me. But I'm not sure I'll be able to have a wonderful life without her.

"Mr. Potter?"

I suddenly look up, dazed, and find Professor Hawthorne frowning at me.

"Sorry, Professor. What was it that you were saying?" I ask hurriedly, embarrassed that I'd been called on and not even known it.

"Mr. Potter, could you tell me what a film is?" he queries me, leaning on the front of his desk looking all smug. Fucking git. I feel the burn of every set of eyes in the classroom, and I curse the heavens. Everyone is well aware that this is one of my weaker subjects. Once, we had to do a project on Muggle electrity (I think? Is it electricity? Dunno, I'm STILL bloody confused)and I brought in a walkie-talkie and explained how the voices were somehow magically transported to each other. It made no sense, and it was the lowest grade I've ever gotten. I shudder at the thought.

Okay, back to the subject. Films. Muggle films. Er...

I search for words, but it all tumbles out in a jumbled mess. "Well, you see-er-I-I reckon-it's like, a photograph, correct? Like ours, though, because it moves-somewhat, I imagine? The people or animals in it interact, right?"

Professor Hawthorne stares at me for a while longer before saying, "I suppose that fragmented response is more or less correct. What is one of the most important and intriguing things about films that muggles worked diligently on in the early part of the century?"

"I-er-I think it was called audio?"

"Correct, Mr. Potter!" He smiles at me. "Audio is also known as being able to hear the sound effects of a film. Let's take a look, shall we?"

In front of the blackboard, there's a contraption called a projector sitting on a black stand. I feel the curiosity plague the room around me, and I can't help being a bit curious myself. I have not the slightest idea of what a film is.

There's suddenly moving pictures, and there's this guy. He has a hat on, and he's talking to this woman (who's very fit, might I add), and they're in Morocco, I think. And you can hear them! And then there's this plane, and then this bloke looks at the woman and she's all "Don't go," and he's like, "But I have to," and then they're snogging, but it's not awkward because I'm so amazed that I'm actually seeing this at all. It's so real! Everything about it! You can literally hear everything, from the plane's blades swishing in rapid circles to the wind to the desperation in the woman's voice and the longing in the blokes. It's like you're there, watching everything happen. Professor Hawthorne presses a button, and the screen goes black.

I can't help but want to shout in protest. I want to know if the bloke leaves the poor bird there, all by herself.

* * *

I found myself in the Head's office at third period, sorting out the scheduling for the Quidditch matches this year. McGonagall told me that it should be done by tomorrow, and I have only half of it done. I also have to do tryouts the day after, and tryouts are always a massive hassle. There are always the people who assume they can waltz onto the team with no experience, there are usually a pack of girls who just want to get onto the team so they can shag me (they're rubbish at the sport, too), and then there's the people who I know are trying as hard as they can but they just don't make the cut and it kills me to say no.

I sit myself down in the study room, simply because of the fact that I like it better. It isn't nearly as claustrophobic, and the light is warm and welcoming as it glitters out through the french windows.

I hear someone open the door as I write down the first Saturday in November as a match date, and I tilt my head up. Lily looks rather disheveled, her hair mussed and a flush on her face. I notice a purple mark on her neck and feel my stomach plummet and my lunch almost come up my throat.

She's been making out with Price, hasn't she? Brilliant. Just fucking great.

Her green eyes spot me, and they light up. "Hey!"

"Hi, Lily. How's your day been?" I ask, trying to seem composed.

"Great." she replies, sitting in the chair across from my own. "Until I got all the work for Hogsmeade trips to sort out."

"Heads work is a bitch."

"Agreed." she laughs, shuffling through her bag for a quill. She apparently can't find one, so I hold my own out.

She realizes this and immediately says, "Oh, no, I couldn't-"

"Lily. Just take it." Lily stares at me, and then the quill. Her hand hesitates reaching forward.

"Are you sure? I could just run up to the dormitories-"

"That's just silly, Evans there's a quill right here and you can take it." I say forwardly. "I have a spare one anyway."

She gives me a shaky smile before gently taking it. "Thanks, James."

I take out another quill and dip it into the dark purple ink that McGonagall asked me to use. It's supposively a permanent kind of ink. It's used for most of the records in the school.

We work for a couple of minutes, the scratching of our quills the only things being heard. I look up to see her long curls piled into a messy bun, her face solemn as she observed the calendar and made her arrangements for the Hogsmeade trips. Her brilliant eyes flickered upward suddenly. I immediately looked away, bowing down over my work. Pretending that she wasn't sitting across from me.

"I want to thank you for being so cooperative the other night." says Lily randomly. I hope she didn't notice my little jump of surprise. "I mean, I did wake you up in the dead of the night, exclaiming about a random dream that happened to be a drunken memory." She frowns. "I hope you don't think too poorly of me. I''m sorry about all of it."

_I'm not sorry about it. I dream of your lips on mine every bloody night. _I think to myself ashamedly.

"I know this is a bit random, but is it true that you have never seen a film before?" Her voice slices the silence randomly. Lily's head is tilted slightly to her left, her expression inquisitive.

"No, I haven't, actually." I reply, sort of embarrassed. She's probably seen loads of movies.

"We should try to see one sometime. I've been meaning to take Marlene and Jill to see that new movie that's out called-oh, what was it? Oh! Star Wars!"

My interest peaks at 'Wars'. Action and adventure. It sounds intense. I like it. "Yeah, that'd be great. Er-but there's a slight problem."

"What?"

"There are no cinemas in Hogwarts, Lily."

She laughs, her forest green eyes crinkling amusedly. "I mean over the holidays or something. You could come over to my place and we could hang out."

I stare at her, nearly gaping. "Just...you and me?"

Lily shrugs. "I mean, I thought that we could bring our friends but if you want we can go just you and me." She clapped her hands together as an idea came to her. "_Or _we could have a double date! Ethan and I, and you with someone!"

She must be joking.

When I realize that she isn't, I feel my intestines twist. Birds are so clueless sometimes. "Yeah, sounds fun." I try to smile at her, but it fails.

I'm not used to being so awkward. Is this what Peter feels like speaking with birds every day?

Lily notices my expression as I turn back to work, I think, because she says, "If you don't want to, we don't have to. I was just spit balling."

The corners of my mouth twitch. "Spit balling?"

"What?" she asks me. She shakes her head. "I don't know why everyone looks at me like I'm from the loony-bin whenever I say that."

"Lily." I say, in mock-seriousness. "You are from the loony-bin."

"Maybe that's where we met." she teases, resting her head on her hand gracefully. I wonder what it would be like to be that hand. To feel her skin.

"You're a riot. Har-har." I banter back, blushing. I hate it how I can feel my neck heat up and then I know my cheeks are bright scorching red. I want to shove it down and be cool and collected. Like Sirius. With women, he always knows what to do. His conversation is so fluid with them, even with the ones he genuinely fancies. With other birds I feel like I'm talking to another bloke, but with Lily I find myself sounding more and more like an idiot.

We write for some time, the humorous air around us fading. Our expressions become solemn again, as we continue to plow through the grueling paperwork that was shoved into out hands.

Agrippa, is this what being a Head is actually like? Where can I resign, because I can assure you that this job pretty much sucks.

But I always have to remind myself that if it weren't for this job, Lily and I might still be at each other's throats, spitting insults that we didn't mean. Her ruining my self-confidence, and I snarling about how she is a inconcievable wasp. I wonder if it hurt her as much as it hurt me to let those things slip out of my mouth. I would do anything to take it back.

"You're not so bad, Potter." she says in a quiet voice. I take a deep breath, relieved that she didn't think too poorly of me anymore. "Maybe I misjudged you."

"So you're sure you won't go out with me?"

I can practically see the shields go up as her face reddens with anger. She jolts up, her eyes fiery with pique. "I knew it! You're making a fool out of me, aren't you? God damn it, Potter! I-_NO! _Absolutely not-"

It scares me how much she can revert back to her rash tone of voice with me. Of course I didn't actually mean what I just said. I was teasing.

"Evans, _relax_." I say uneasily, putting my hands out as if she were to explode any moment. I rise out of my seat, walking towards her. "I was only kidding."

I see the anger drain out of her like water from a drain. She takes a breath of relief, looking up at me. There's a blur of her porcelain skin, and suddenly there's a sharp sting atop of my head. I didn't expect a smack.

My hand flies to my dark head. "OW! What was that for?!"

"For being a tosser." She declares confidently, a pleased expression on her face. "Ah, it's peculiar how that never gets old."

"Causing me physical harm?" I rub the pulsing spot on my head tenderly. I fondly remember how many times she's hit me upon the head at this precise spot.

Her smile lifts my heart, and I feel like I'm flying. "Maybe."

"You saucy minx." I say in a sultry voice bound to make any woman uncomfortable.

"Gracious, you needn't sound like a sexual predator to hide your apparent rage that your head hurts from a girl's blow."

I wag my finger at her. "This is why I like you."

Lily grins at this, which surprises me. On a usual basis she would snap at me, but this time she gives me a grin? Women are tricky. _Very_ tricky. "Come on. I'm tired of working. Do you want to sit by the willow tree on the grounds?"

I shove my hands in my pocket, and walk casually beside her as we stroll onto the grounds. Several students are lying about, pretending to study. The Black Lake is glittering in all of it's glory, and the clouds in the crystal blue sky are disappearing. Lily's eyes are squinted as she gazes at it.

I take out my packet of smokes and slide one of them out onto my palm. Mum said I should quit, but...I dunno. I've been doing it for so long, and it's practically harmless. I think. Well, not really, but I don't give a damn.

I light it up and stick it in between my lips, the view slightly clouded with a pleasant and sheer layer of smoke. Beautiful. I look over at Lily, realizing we had made it to the tree. She sits down comfortably, sprawling out onto the grass under the tree. I join her, feeling the cool breeze ripple through my hair.

Suddenly, I hear Lily shriek, "What are you doing?!" She grabs my smoke and looks at me much like my mother does when she catches me with one.

"It's nothing, Evans, _relax." _I try to take it back, but she holds it further away from me.

She cries, "Are you _mad, _Potter?"

"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't."

She frowns at me before reluctantly holding it out to me. "You're going to get cancer, you know. And die."

"Don't be dramatic." I drawl, breathing out the smoke, watching it swirl and paint the air like a paintbrush. "It's not so bad."

Lily huffs, the sun reflecting in her eyes. She looks away, her mouth pursed. "You're an idiot."

"I know."

She tilts her head over her shoulder. "Then why do you do it?"

I shrug, sucking in on my cigarette, letting the smoke drift out of my mouth slowly. The smoke creeps out of my lips like a crawler, disappearing into thin air. "I started years ago. I was fourteen, I think. Dad told me not to smoke, ever, like he did. So naturally, I started three days after. Sirius joined in, as did Peter. It was stupid."

Lily's head is tilted to the side, like it always is when she's thinking. I can practically see her mind wrapping around the concept. "If it's so stupid, why haven't you quit?"

She didn't ask me forcefully, or judgementally, I don't think. Her voice was gentle, understanding. I reply, "Dunno. It's just...been there for me more than most things, you know?"

"You don't need cigarretes as crutches." Lily looks out onto the lake, drinking it in with her observant and wide eyes. She takes a deep breath and tells me, "You're not alone, Potter. In...whatever you're going through."

"Well it sure as hell feels like it." I mutter stubbornly, not wanting to relive the memories of what caused me to be this way. To smoke and drink away my problems.

It's what I usually did when Dad and I got into a row.

_"DAD!" I roared, my eyes aflame. "LOOK AT ME, YOU COWARD!" I had gotten home late today, from a party. Sirius couldn't go because he caught a stomach bug, and I'd arrived an hour after curfew. My mother was fast asleep. I found my father waiting for me, but I never expected he would be so angry with me. But I feel like it was more than my curfew. He had just been waiting for the precise moment to strike, like a lioness waited on her prey to be the most vulnerable. He had been pulling away from Mum and I for a while...call it old age, grumpiness, or something else. My mother would sit in her room and cry for hours, saying how she missed the man she fell in love with. It was like one day he was with us and the next he was a bitter old man, who did nothing but spit insults and brood. It hadn't happened for a while now, but it had put some significant strains to our family. I had tripped over the carpet. I fell to the floor with a loud thump, but my father didn't even stir. I had fallen near the fireplace and my arm had shortly caught fire. I bat it out with my hand, hissing at the agony. My Dad still didn't notice, his back turned._

_"You aren't to ever disobey me, or your mother EVER AGAIN. Understand?" He said in that cold tone that I always despised. I shot him the most terrible glare I could, trying to blink away the tears._

_"How fucking typical of you!" I yelled at him horribly, my jaw wound so tight that I feared it may stay that way forever. I rose up from the ground, rage rattling my bones."Blame me! Torture me! For __**your **__fucking mistakes!"_

_He marches up to me, seeming kilometres taller than I was. I felt a petrified shiver fly down my spine. "Don't give me that bloody tone of voice."_

_I shoved him with all of the force I can. "STOP IT! Just stop!"_

_"Why can't you be like Sirius, huh?" He taunts me, his voice cruel, as he caught his balance."He's been through hell and back and he's nothing but greatful and respectful-"_

_"Well he's not your son, is he, Dad?!"_

_"That's a downright shame, too!"_

_"Sorry you're STUCK WITH ME!" I roar, my face a tomato red. _

"James?"

I suddenly see Lily's gentle face. I realize that I was holding onto one breath as the memory greeted me with a savage and sick grin. I breathe out, welcoming the fresh and crisp air. My heart is beating violently, my whole body trembling at an eerie beat.

"Hmm?"

"You alright?" she asks, knowing full well that I'm not. "You look like you've seen a ghost."

I squish the fag that I was holding into the dirt next to me. I press it down harder and harder. "Just...nostalgic, I guess."

"Why?"

"Stuff." I admit, unsure of how Lily is with blokes and people like me with problems and issues. "Problems, I mean. At home."

"Ah," she replies sadly, tucking her hair behind her ear. "Problems. We all have them."

"Have you ever..."I cut myself off, unsure whether to proceed with the question in my mind. "Have you ever felt like...if you left-if you died-that no one would notice that you had gone?"

She doesn't freak out at me. She doesn't stare at me as if I'm some sort of weird, emotional, mushy bloke that everyone should steer clear from. Lily bites her lip and whispers, "All the time."

It surprises me that she has felt this way, because of her social status. She's fairly popular herself, at Hogwarts. There's not one bloke I've met who thought Lily wasn't dazzling, nor one girl I've met who hasn't thought she was one of the nicest girls they've met. But, I suppose that I'm not exactly a nerd. Maybe everyone feels like they're invisible sometimes.

* * *

"Prongs, I've been worried about you." explains Sirius, with a sigh. It's sunset, and we're sitting on the edge of the lake, though we should be at supper. Bright orange, soft pink, gentle yellow, and blazing red tint the surface of the phlegmatic water. Sirius' hair is whipping with the wind, his gaze distracted at the horizon. He took a puff of smoke from his cigarrette, breathing it into the air. "I thought that maybe you were having some kind of weird, homesick feelings, but I think it's more than that. You didn't even laugh when we had McGonagall's lunch blow up in her face." He turns his dark head towards me, his grey eyes pensive. "That was bloody hilarious and you know it." There was another pause. "You've been unhealthily melancholy, and I can't imagine why."

"I know, I'm sorry." I reply quietly, trying to get more comfortable on the cold grass. The cigarrete in between my fingers is homey, and warm. I take a hit of it. "It's just...everything. With being just friends with Lily, and then Dad..."

"You're thinking about your Dad?" asks Sirius, his tone cautious. "Look, mate...you know there's nothing I wouldn't do for you. You're...you're the brother I never had-"

Although I'm flattered, I have to point out, "Padfoot, you have a brother."

Sirius growls immediately, "You are more to me than he ever has been."

"Sirius-"

"But that's not the point." says Padfoot firmly, his voice as solid as a rock. He's like a detective, desperate for clues. "Why were you thinking about your Dad?"

"Well...Lily saw me smoke today." I begin, rubbing the back of my neck.

Sirius gives a short laugh. "I reckon she was all, 'James Potter! You're going to kill yourself! You stupid prick!'"

"Ah, basically," I chortle lightly. The laughter fades away more rapidly than I would have liked. "But she was a bit nicer to me."

"That's new." comments Sirius, nodding his head. "This is good, Prongs. You may not be able to shag her, but at least she doesn't hate you anymore."

"You know that's not what I'm about with her." I say, my voice dour.

"Don't get your knickers in a twist, Prongsie," laughs Sirius, nudging his shoulder with mine with a hearty laugh. "I know."

"Good."

"So...after, how did you think of your Dad?"

"She asked why I smoked in the first place. And then...and then there were flashes."

"Bad?" His voice was sore, as if he didn't want to hear it. Like whatever happened to me happened to him in return. "Well, I can't imagine there's many good flashes..."

"Yeah." I reveal. Sirius looks away from me. "It was about that night. When I got the burn."

Sirius is silent for a couple of minutes, which was very unlike him. He stares out across the water, studying the mountains with an undying interest. His brow is together, which usually means he's worried. He swallows visibly. "I never meant to be a burden to you, James. That wasn't what I wanted-"

"You are no such thing." I retort immediately, guilty that I brought this up. "You mean more to me than anyone I've ever met."

"Really?" he chokes out, as if he's crying.

"I promise." I say, putting my hand on his shoulder and squeezing it. "It's my Dad and his fucked up thoughts. It's nothing you did that made him say those things two years ago."

"Maybe if I hadn't moved in-"

"Padfoot." I say, shaking my head as I puff another smoke. "Don't."

"Well whose fault is it, then, Prongs?" asks Sirius, an edge to his voice. "It's certainly not yours. It's not your Mum's-she's a doll, and does nothing but dote on and care for everybody that walks in your front door. And there's only one person left-"

"Stop." I say. "You're not the reason why. Padfoot, when are you going to stop beating yourself up over everything?"

"You want me to be honest with you?"

"It's not like I'd ask you to lie to me. That's just weird."

He smirks a bit, putting his smoke to his lips. "I'm not going to stop beating myself up, Prongs. Not as long as I'm still alive and breathing."

"Dad and I had our problems far before you came along. Do you remember when I told you about the time he got so angry that he threw that chair at me?"

"Yeah." says Sirius sadly. "But honestly, Prongs, I don't think your Dad means it. I think he loves you. He's just...he needs help."

I inhale, watching the end of my fag glow a bright orange. "He hasn't acted out on me in years." And it was true. In the past year I couldn't recollect myself and him stuck in the middle of a massive row that involved some physical contact. It's probably because my ol' Dad is getting old. He was already old when he had me with Mum, even by Wizarding standards.

"You guys are my family, you know. Problems come with it, and I can embrace that." says Sirius. "If your Dad acts out one more time, I'll still love him, but I'll scream with you. You shouldn't have to stand your ground alone. In the past I've felt like I owe some kind of debt to your parents...they've been so good to me. But since I've adopted them as my own parents, I have to face the facts that we're going to get in fights. So next time you and Dad get in a row, I'll stand by you. Deal?"

"Deal."

We hear the crickets chirp, the winds rustle leaves, and the wolves howl into the night. There's only a sliver left of light on the horizon. It glows like a beacon at the end of a long road. It reminds me of our whole situation. The War, and Voldemort, his Death Eaters. The people that die every day. The tears that drip from people's faces. It makes me wonder if there is a light. If there is an end to it. When the war started, Mum was going on about it like a madwoman. Dad soothed her, saying that it was only a matter of time before the War ended. He has always said that all wars end. But this war is so unlike all the others. Or maybe it's just the sad fact that I'm in the middle of one right now that makes it so unalike all previous ones.

"Padfoot?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think we'll make it? Do you think we'll survive this war?" I ask, my voice sounding like it did years ago. Innocent, ripe, and full of hesitation and hope all at the same time.

"I think," Sirius says with a stark grin. "That we won't go down without a fight."

* * *

**Writing James and Sirius conversations hit me right in the feels. I'm crying omg I cant. I mean it's already hard enough writing about Lily and James! But James and Sirius were so close, and...in the books when Sirius is without James I'm basically dying of sadness. ****Anyway, let me know what you thought!**

**Thanks, **

**Summer**


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